TEMPLE SQUARE

So.....on December 7th, the Young Women's president, her husband and I took one of the Laurels and my Beehives to Temple Square to see the lights. We had a little rocky start with the baby fussing, but after she settled down, things were excellent. When we got there, Whitney had to feed the baby, so I took the girls and went ahead. We got to see Nativities representing all the nations/cultures, the girls and Whitney lied down and looked up at the Church Office Buildings, and we even ran into Buddy the Elf and Santa Claus.

When it was the Beehive's turn to see them, as they were approaching Buddy and Santa, Buddy turned to one of the girls and said "Come stand by me Jessica". Jessica freaked out and took off down the street not realizing that he knew her name because it was sewn on her Jacket. We had a really good laugh at that, AFTER she came back and stood by him.  On our way back to the car, she walked as close to the street and as far away from him as she could, calling him a creeper.

 We found a grocery store on the way back to the car, where I saw the "New" Coke Fountain drink dispensers, and got a PEACH Fanta! The girls thought it was awesome (the machine) and the Fanta was the best I've ever had. We had a lot of fun, and though the drive down and back took longer than we did at Temple Square, we made memories that will never go away. It was an awesome night even though there were others that we missed because they couldn't make it.

Looking Up

 This year my goal has been to better myself, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. Early on, my goal was to attend the temple at least once a month, and we made it in January, but since then, it's been hit and miss. I was fortunate to make it to the Houston Temple twice while I was living with Dan and Chrystal, experiencing an endowments with Chrystal, then did a session on my own while they were out of town. Since I've been back, the closest I've gotten to going to the temple has been walking through Temple Square with Dave.
  I've been in Young Womens for a few months now, and though I'm not totally sure what I'm doing there, I'm enjoying it, and seeing myself grow each day and watching the girls turn into wonderful young women. I'm trying to focus on what I need to, and am finding myself turning more to the savior when I'm down then I do anything else. I"m finding a less tolerance for things I didn't think twice about before, and am beginning to embrace the gospel again.
  Being in Young Womens has helped me overcome a few things, and also to accomplish things as well. I don't remember ever finishing my Personal Progress, so with my girls, I've decided to work on it with them, and complete it as well. I have not made it back to the temple yet, my last visit there was in early May, but I've made it to church almost every week, and attend majority of my meetings. I'm not going just for me anymore, but as an example that it's where we should be. That though we'd rather stay at home and sleep in or hang out with friends, it's better to be at church, showing our savior how much we love him.

What Do You Ask Of ME?

I moved to Houston back in February to try to collect what was left of my life. When I came here I was a shell of a human, not knowing what would become of me or how to get back to the woman I once was. I focused on Harper, Dan and Chrystal, and didn't really worry too much about what was going on with people back home. After Dave's visit here and not watching Harper, I had plenty of time on my hands. At first I'd just sit around and watch TV all day, then I'd sweep floors. Before I knew it, I was offering to help with dinner, sweeping floors and helping out wherever I could. I began working out to the Wii and then made a larger effort to drink more water than soda. Since I've been here, I've managed to lose almost 10lbs, am more active and am seeing the inches drop. Over the last few months, I noticed that I've had fewer downers and was much happier than I had been in years. The only times I've noticed being unhappy is when I've been "attacked" for things I haven't done or have nothing to do with. Stress of bills creep in, being without a job, and the anxiety of heading home. I'm finding that I"m still as sensitive as ever about things, and am trying to get a handle on that as well. This post is a look into what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling and what goes on in my head. I hope this gives people a little better understanding as to how I tick, and gives people a little more compassion for me and why I tick the way I do. Lets start with wearing my heart on my sleeve. For the longest time, I viewed this as a blessing, having that kind of love and compassion for others, I thought that it was something they teach in the scriptures, so I figured it had to be a blessing. Then one day, a very important person in my life told me that I needed to stop wearing it on my sleeve, and others have told me that I needed to stop caring about people so much, so I tried to hide it. I saw it as a curse and tried to smother that part of me that made me who I am. As each day progressed, I struggled with doing what I was told. I saw myself slip further and further away, until I was like a rat, lost in a maze. I tried to do the best I could, thinking I was doing the right thing, that my life would be happier. It wasn't until I moved here and stepped away from everything, that I realized that I was killing myself inside by doing what I "thought" was the right thing to do. Since that realization, I've decided to do what I knew was right. I am putting that heart back out on my sleeve and having that compassion for others that I tried to kill. I realize that is the one thing that makes me happy, it's who I am and people will just have to deal with it. I am also not going to beat around the bush with anything. If I see something that I need to speak my mind on, so be it, and if the person on the receiving end doesn't like to hear what I have to say, it's their problem. I'm enjoying the happiness I've been feeling, the person I once was is starting to emerge and I am not going to hide her again. I'm making the best of myself any way I can, and am not going to worry about making others happy without making myself happy first. This takes me to my second "thing" and that is how I view myself as a person. I am one who would give my shirt off my back if somebody needed it, or that's what I would like to think. I could be wrong but that's how I see myself, as a very giving and loving person. What people don't know is that I don't like myself. I don't like that I am fat, that my teeth are all rotten and nasty. Just today, my brother asked me to smile. I smiled without showing my teeth and it wasn't good enough for him. Only when I burst into tears explaining that I HATE my smile and have always hated it since my teeth started rotting enough to show, and I can't afford to fix them, that he dropped it. There was a time in my life that I liked my smile. A time where the tooth decay wasn't visible, or extensive. Now, when I smile, all I see is ugly, rotten teeth, one even missing, and I don't like it. I've gone as far as considered having all the teeth removed and put dentures in. I don't like my smile, that I'm fat, these are all new to me, and the hardest part is I can't really do anything about it. I can't afford to keep up on the dental care, even with insurance, and regardless of how many times I tell people, I can't get them to understand that I brush on a regular basis. I take care of my teeth the way I should, but it's never enough. I was once asked why I didn't have a more positive email account. I told the person who asked me that it was because that's how I felt. I felt Misunderstood, that nobody really cared much to understand me or where I was coming from on anything. Nobody really understands how much I sacrifice for my loved ones. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really cares how I feel, especially about them. My next few posts will be a "tell all" basically, about each of the members of MY Family, and sadly, if any of them take offense, that's their problem as it's my views and opinion of things. Until then, this post is over.

Green2O

I was scrolling through Facebook one day out of boredom and ran across this photo. It was something that I THINK my cousin had posted on her FB, I don't remember but I read that if I gave my address, I would receive a free sample. I figured I didn't have anything to lose so I sent my address in a private message. About a week later, I received a package, opened it up and found a water bottle with 4 packets, 2 Lemon Flavored and 2 Mint flavored. I read them, and did as directed. It's a product that is all natural and supposed to do a lot of good things for you, especially give you the same energy as an energy drink without making you jittery. Since I've started drinking Green 2O, I've had much more energy, the pain in my hip has subsided and I just feel better as a whole. I told Dave about it, how it made me feel and the changes I'm noticing, and it made him want to try it so I sent his information in as well. He got his today, drank his first packet and is looking forward to his 2nd packet tomorrow. I am really liking this stuff!

Time For A FRESH START

A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

Since I've had a considerable amount of free time on my hands, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Our lives are a lot like the Phoenix, whenever we hit a dead end, or feel what we're doing is ending, we can rise out of the ashes and start a new chapter in life. I am looking at things like that right now. My situation with babysitting Kaitlynn and Madison, as much as it kills me to not watch them anymore, is ending, and because of everything that I went through and put up with for the last 5yrs, it's time to let it die, and move on. I devoted all my time, love and heart into watching them, and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I am as a person, and became a drone or doormat. Maybe I was fooling myself to believe I was doing a favor for a friend, maybe it was real, but I know now that I do not know who I am, and I don't have that confidence that I had so many years ago.

For all of you out there, I'm sure you all know that kids are my passion. I do not have any of my own and desire being a parent, but right now it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Rather than dwell on it, I share my love for children, by watching them whenever the opportunity arises. I have been watching kids off and on since I was 11yrs old, that's 23yrs of babysitting, and not once have I had any complaints from a parent. The complaints I have gotten could have been solved if the parents would've just came and talked to me, but they let things be, and left me to believe that I was doing nothing wrong. I think that's why I take things so hard when it comes down to it. I think I'm doing a excellent job for the parents, then they slap me in the face with issues they've had the entire time but wouldn't bring to my attention.

So what does this mean about my opening a new chapter in my life? Well, I'm moving to Houston to watch my nephew until he can get into a Day Care. Am I scared, yes, I'm scared as hell to move to a place I've never been, only knowing a handful of people, and being away from my husband for so long. I am afraid of the unknown. I look forward to the time away, to be able to re-evaluate myself as a person, and work on bettering myself. I need to grow, and being here, doing what I've been doing and putting up with what I've put up with, is smothering me, holding me back and it's time to stop all that.

A New Beginning

In lieu of the kind of week I've had, and going through 3 blessings (2 from Dave and 1 from my father) I decided that it was no better time to go to the temple, than today. I was looking for peace, comfort, and a chance to "wash away" the feelings of despair and pain. I got up this morning and took Heather and Troy to breakfast. I was starving, but just couldn't eat, because whenever I tried, my stomach wanted to toss it back out. In my feeble attempt to eat, I ordered 2 strips of bacon. I almost threw up the first bite, but I forced it all down, knowing I need the food.
When I got back, I had to wait for Dave to take a shower, so I went over to talk to Rob at Jamba Juice about a job. He said to talk to him next week, so then I went to the girls at Ezmoney. They didn't know if they'd be hiring yet, but after I told them what was going on, they asked if I would watch their kids and how much I would charge. I have mixed emotions about that because of what I'm currently going through, but all I can do is pray about it. When I got back, I got my Father's Blessing from Dad, finished the bookmarks for the kids at church, and then got ready to go to the temple. After watching the neighbor's mailbox get plowed over by a car, and dropping the bookmarks off at Wilcox, Dave and I were finally on the road. We realized this was the first time we'd gone to the temple without my parents, and I was terrified. I was so afraid I'd mess things up, or wouldn't feel good about being there.
When we walked into the temple doors, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that that's where we needed to be. We went through a session, and got a "taste" of the peace I'm looking for. I was lost as we ended the session, and after changing my clothes and heading out, one of the gentlemen who was helping in the session talked to Dave and I. He was thrilled we were there, and told me something that I will never forget, and put me into tears. He told us that there was a sweet spirit about us. It made me feel really good because off and on through the session I wondered if I was doing the right thing by being there feeling the way I did. The workers walked with us to the truck, and we left. I came back feeling better than before, but wish the pain would go away quicker. I was exhausted and hungry when we got back, but didn't feel like eating. I managed to choke down an orange, and 4 powdered doughnuts, and cuddled with Emily on the couch under Dave's blanket. (Yeah, that's how we roll in this family.) I found my anti-depressants, there are 3 of them left, and I've been really tempted to take them. Instead, I took 2 ADVIL PM's to help me sleep.
Now that the ADVIL PM has finally kicked in, I am going to bed, as for my weight, well, I'm sad to report that I went from 170.5 up to 173.5. I guess I can spend some free time in the Gym to drop those lbs. Hope you all have a good weekend, I can't wait to go to the temple again, hopefully next weekend.

Happy 2012, I'm Going To Make It A GOOD One!

This year, as usual, I was thinking about people and making resolutions, and though I never really make any, I think this year, I've got a few in mind, and think it will be fun to test myself, to know if I can actually carry them through the whole year. I think it'll be fun to share these "resolutions" or goals with you guys, and you can watch my progress/failure. I know that this blog was posted a few days late, but what can you do when you're busy, right?

Resolution/Goals for 2012
1: Have at least ONE smile and positive thought a day.
*I've noticed too much negativity, not just in my life alone, but life in general, and I want to try to make the best of it.
2: Attend the Temple at least once a month.
*Dave and I didn't work hard to get our recommends back for nothing, and we want to grow more spiritually. We've missed going to the temple and know that's gonna help us as we grow as a couple.
3: Become a better person.
* I don't want to be a better person outside only, but inside as well. I've already taken those steps by working on how I view and take things, also how I handle them.
4: Lose weight and get more fit.
*I used to weigh 125lbs in High School, though I was thin, I wasn't in shape, and I want to change that. Back in November, I weighed in at 180lbs. At that time, Dave and I made a deal, for each 10lbs I lose, I get a new outfit. Today, I weighed in at 170.5lbs. I may have lost 9.5 lbs in 2 mo, but haven't done any exercising other than chasing Troy around the house and running up the stairs, my goal, is to lose another 10lbs at least by the time Vacation starts in March.

I know that these are not all my goals/resolutions, but they're a reasonable start, and I'm that kind of person who gives up if too much is piled on me. I will be posting a blog entry every Sunday afternoon, on updates as to how my progress is going. That will also take care of goal/resolution #5- update my blogs once a week. I hope you guys enjoy, post comments if you want, and we'll see what kind of progress I can make!