A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.
Since I've had a considerable amount of free time on my hands, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Our lives are a lot like the Phoenix, whenever we hit a dead end, or feel what we're doing is ending, we can rise out of the ashes and start a new chapter in life. I am looking at things like that right now. My situation with babysitting Kaitlynn and Madison, as much as it kills me to not watch them anymore, is ending, and because of everything that I went through and put up with for the last 5yrs, it's time to let it die, and move on. I devoted all my time, love and heart into watching them, and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I am as a person, and became a drone or doormat. Maybe I was fooling myself to believe I was doing a favor for a friend, maybe it was real, but I know now that I do not know who I am, and I don't have that confidence that I had so many years ago.
For all of you out there, I'm sure you all know that kids are my passion. I do not have any of my own and desire being a parent, but right now it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Rather than dwell on it, I share my love for children, by watching them whenever the opportunity arises. I have been watching kids off and on since I was 11yrs old, that's 23yrs of babysitting, and not once have I had any complaints from a parent. The complaints I have gotten could have been solved if the parents would've just came and talked to me, but they let things be, and left me to believe that I was doing nothing wrong. I think that's why I take things so hard when it comes down to it. I think I'm doing a excellent job for the parents, then they slap me in the face with issues they've had the entire time but wouldn't bring to my attention.
So what does this mean about my opening a new chapter in my life? Well, I'm moving to Houston to watch my nephew until he can get into a Day Care. Am I scared, yes, I'm scared as hell to move to a place I've never been, only knowing a handful of people, and being away from my husband for so long. I am afraid of the unknown. I look forward to the time away, to be able to re-evaluate myself as a person, and work on bettering myself. I need to grow, and being here, doing what I've been doing and putting up with what I've put up with, is smothering me, holding me back and it's time to stop all that.
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