Time For A FRESH START

A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

Since I've had a considerable amount of free time on my hands, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Our lives are a lot like the Phoenix, whenever we hit a dead end, or feel what we're doing is ending, we can rise out of the ashes and start a new chapter in life. I am looking at things like that right now. My situation with babysitting Kaitlynn and Madison, as much as it kills me to not watch them anymore, is ending, and because of everything that I went through and put up with for the last 5yrs, it's time to let it die, and move on. I devoted all my time, love and heart into watching them, and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I am as a person, and became a drone or doormat. Maybe I was fooling myself to believe I was doing a favor for a friend, maybe it was real, but I know now that I do not know who I am, and I don't have that confidence that I had so many years ago.

For all of you out there, I'm sure you all know that kids are my passion. I do not have any of my own and desire being a parent, but right now it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Rather than dwell on it, I share my love for children, by watching them whenever the opportunity arises. I have been watching kids off and on since I was 11yrs old, that's 23yrs of babysitting, and not once have I had any complaints from a parent. The complaints I have gotten could have been solved if the parents would've just came and talked to me, but they let things be, and left me to believe that I was doing nothing wrong. I think that's why I take things so hard when it comes down to it. I think I'm doing a excellent job for the parents, then they slap me in the face with issues they've had the entire time but wouldn't bring to my attention.

So what does this mean about my opening a new chapter in my life? Well, I'm moving to Houston to watch my nephew until he can get into a Day Care. Am I scared, yes, I'm scared as hell to move to a place I've never been, only knowing a handful of people, and being away from my husband for so long. I am afraid of the unknown. I look forward to the time away, to be able to re-evaluate myself as a person, and work on bettering myself. I need to grow, and being here, doing what I've been doing and putting up with what I've put up with, is smothering me, holding me back and it's time to stop all that.

A New Beginning

In lieu of the kind of week I've had, and going through 3 blessings (2 from Dave and 1 from my father) I decided that it was no better time to go to the temple, than today. I was looking for peace, comfort, and a chance to "wash away" the feelings of despair and pain. I got up this morning and took Heather and Troy to breakfast. I was starving, but just couldn't eat, because whenever I tried, my stomach wanted to toss it back out. In my feeble attempt to eat, I ordered 2 strips of bacon. I almost threw up the first bite, but I forced it all down, knowing I need the food.
When I got back, I had to wait for Dave to take a shower, so I went over to talk to Rob at Jamba Juice about a job. He said to talk to him next week, so then I went to the girls at Ezmoney. They didn't know if they'd be hiring yet, but after I told them what was going on, they asked if I would watch their kids and how much I would charge. I have mixed emotions about that because of what I'm currently going through, but all I can do is pray about it. When I got back, I got my Father's Blessing from Dad, finished the bookmarks for the kids at church, and then got ready to go to the temple. After watching the neighbor's mailbox get plowed over by a car, and dropping the bookmarks off at Wilcox, Dave and I were finally on the road. We realized this was the first time we'd gone to the temple without my parents, and I was terrified. I was so afraid I'd mess things up, or wouldn't feel good about being there.
When we walked into the temple doors, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that that's where we needed to be. We went through a session, and got a "taste" of the peace I'm looking for. I was lost as we ended the session, and after changing my clothes and heading out, one of the gentlemen who was helping in the session talked to Dave and I. He was thrilled we were there, and told me something that I will never forget, and put me into tears. He told us that there was a sweet spirit about us. It made me feel really good because off and on through the session I wondered if I was doing the right thing by being there feeling the way I did. The workers walked with us to the truck, and we left. I came back feeling better than before, but wish the pain would go away quicker. I was exhausted and hungry when we got back, but didn't feel like eating. I managed to choke down an orange, and 4 powdered doughnuts, and cuddled with Emily on the couch under Dave's blanket. (Yeah, that's how we roll in this family.) I found my anti-depressants, there are 3 of them left, and I've been really tempted to take them. Instead, I took 2 ADVIL PM's to help me sleep.
Now that the ADVIL PM has finally kicked in, I am going to bed, as for my weight, well, I'm sad to report that I went from 170.5 up to 173.5. I guess I can spend some free time in the Gym to drop those lbs. Hope you all have a good weekend, I can't wait to go to the temple again, hopefully next weekend.

Happy 2012, I'm Going To Make It A GOOD One!

This year, as usual, I was thinking about people and making resolutions, and though I never really make any, I think this year, I've got a few in mind, and think it will be fun to test myself, to know if I can actually carry them through the whole year. I think it'll be fun to share these "resolutions" or goals with you guys, and you can watch my progress/failure. I know that this blog was posted a few days late, but what can you do when you're busy, right?

Resolution/Goals for 2012
1: Have at least ONE smile and positive thought a day.
*I've noticed too much negativity, not just in my life alone, but life in general, and I want to try to make the best of it.
2: Attend the Temple at least once a month.
*Dave and I didn't work hard to get our recommends back for nothing, and we want to grow more spiritually. We've missed going to the temple and know that's gonna help us as we grow as a couple.
3: Become a better person.
* I don't want to be a better person outside only, but inside as well. I've already taken those steps by working on how I view and take things, also how I handle them.
4: Lose weight and get more fit.
*I used to weigh 125lbs in High School, though I was thin, I wasn't in shape, and I want to change that. Back in November, I weighed in at 180lbs. At that time, Dave and I made a deal, for each 10lbs I lose, I get a new outfit. Today, I weighed in at 170.5lbs. I may have lost 9.5 lbs in 2 mo, but haven't done any exercising other than chasing Troy around the house and running up the stairs, my goal, is to lose another 10lbs at least by the time Vacation starts in March.

I know that these are not all my goals/resolutions, but they're a reasonable start, and I'm that kind of person who gives up if too much is piled on me. I will be posting a blog entry every Sunday afternoon, on updates as to how my progress is going. That will also take care of goal/resolution #5- update my blogs once a week. I hope you guys enjoy, post comments if you want, and we'll see what kind of progress I can make!

Who REALLY Cares Anyway

Ok, I'm letting everyone who reads this know that I'm stirring the poop so to speak. I'm pretty sure it's going to tick people off and result in many silent treatments and hurt feelings, but at this time, I really don't care. I've kept my feelings locked inside for so long that I just can't do it anymore. I actually sat there today and wondered, even wished I'd die just to see how many people actually cared about me as a person, and not for my "services".
Some of you would ask why I think and wonder this, well, here's what I've seen and felt. The reason I have posted this particular picture is because of the smile on my face, and what it means. It means that I was absolutely happy, really happy, yes, you could say that was the happiest day of my life. I saw this picture, and looked at the ones taken in the past few years, and realized that I haven't been happy at all. Somewhere along the way, that smile faded into something dark and ugly, that gets hidden from time to time at a feeble attempt to be happy again. Do I like being unhappy, absolutely not, do I want to fix what's making me unhappy? Who wouldn't?
Anyway, I've been having struggles with many things that I've managed to hide deep inside. I know it's not healthy to keep it bottled in but I've learned RAPIDLY that if I speak my feelings/concerns, I get mocked, taunted, treated like I'm the scum of the Earth, or even get the silent treatment. Since I lost my house and had to move in with my parents, I've heard my youngest brother tell me "If it weren't for Mom and Dad, I wouldn't ever come over" and I can't count the number of times he gives me and my husband the silent treatment without me knowing what I've done to warrent it. There were a few times we'd invite him to do something with us, and get "We don't have any money" or "No, we've already got plans". He never asks us to do anything with them, it's always my parents or my sister, never me or Dave. The only thing that he has to say to me is when he asks me to watch his kids. He doesn't do it very often, but when he does, I say yes because I don't get to see them very often. One night, he sat on the couch in front of the whole family and asked what my husband and I were doing that night. I told him that we weren't doing anything, and was disappointed when he asked us to babysit. I thought he was gonna invite us to do something with him, but found out it was to be a sitter for his kids while he went out with our cousin.
I have had problems with my sister. Lately it seems like she doesn't want a thing to do with me unless it involves watching her son. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore these kids, why wouldn't I? It really feels like nobody takes my feelings into consideration and I'm really tired of it. I have no kids of my own, and basically watch kids 6, sometimes 7 days a week, without much of a break or a chance to do anything I want to. Majority of that is because I DON'T say NO and choose to watch them. This is ok with me, but just once I'd like to have a heartfelt, genuine THANK YOU for it. I have questioned many times if my siblings love me, or are just using me, and it hurts. I know they don't stop to think how I must be feeling, around other people's kids all the time, and none of my own. Yes, I wonder if they know that I cry myself to sleep many nights because I don't feel like they really love me, because I'm jealous that they have these kids that at times, seems like inconveniences to both of them. Do they know that because of the way I'm basically ignored, not just by them, that I don't feel like I'm part of the family, that I'm just some parasite living with my parents, slowly draining the life out of everyone?
I understand now why I was on anti depressants for so many years, and why I SHOULD be on them again. It's not because I don't have kids, it's because my family uses me so bad, and doesn't stop to think of how they make me feel. Today, my brother and his wife took my sister to look at a place, leaving the 3 kids with mom. Mom wanted to vaccume but the boys wanted to go potty so I was asked to take them. The youngest boy took his diaper off, and was standing there, the oldest one was dancing, and I was stuck trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. I put the youngest on the training potty, the oldest on the toilet, telling him to push his weenie down so I wouldn't get peed on (he has good aim). I then turned to the youngest to push his down so he wouldn't pee around the room. The oldest didn't listen to me, Mom didn't hear my cries for help, so I had to sit, covered in pee, trying to get one kid to get back here while the other took off as well. Two naked boys running around, their parents walk in the door, and after tearfully explaining what happened (it was the straw that broke the camels back) I get the comment of "You don't need to get worked up over that" or something to that context. It pissed me off. Just because I was crying doesnt' mean it was because I got peed on by my nephew, it's not the first time I've been peed on and it won't be the last I'm sure. Nobody stopped to think that I was emotional before that, why would they? Needless to say, I ended up ruining everyone's day, nobody will talk to me, and I'm beginning to think that if I were to up and leave the state for good, they'd all throw a party. I love my family so much, and put them before me more times than I should, just once, I would like to have it returned.
Like I said at the beginning, I'm stirring the poop. I haven't said all that I feel, probably best I didn't. I'm hurting, keep trying and just can't help feeling like a failure. I don't know where my place lies in this world anymore, and have so much hurt inside, maybe the way I feel is right, maybe nobody really does care. I don't know, makes you wonder what FAMILY is all about now days.

What Happened???

Over the last few days, I've been left to do a lot of thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving has always been hard on me since Grandpa passed so suddenly, but now, it seems like they're trying to eliminate it all together. For as long as I could remember, the local radio station would play round the clock Christmas Music the day AFTER Thanksgiving. This year, it seems like they started playing it right after Halloween.
Now don't get me wrong, Christmas is my favorite holiday for personal reasons, and most of the songs, I do like. Thinking a lot of the Christmas music playing, and Thanksgiving makes me wonder what people think Thanksgiving really is all about. I remember as a little girl, around the time of Thanksgiving, sitting in school learning about the pilgrims and the meaning of Thanksgiving. It's not all about the feast, sharing, but being Thankful for what you've got. The day after Thanksgiving in 2005, we lost my Grandfather. He was ill, but we all thought it was just a cold, and his sudden death was hard on a lot of us, me in particular. About 4 months prior, I'd had an issue with my grandmother about my Aunt, and because of that, I stopped going around to see her and Grandpa. At the time, I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong, then when I heard Grandpa passed, well, it was like my whole world was crashing down on me. Only when he was gone did I realize I was punishing Grandpa for something that he wasn't even a part of. I didn't get to say goodbye, nobody really did, and I felt more guilt than I knew I could feel. For months after his death, I dwelled on that guilt, praying that he understood why I never went to see him, that he knew I loved him more than anything. Our house had carpet ONLY in the bedrooms and for weeks after Grandpa's passing, we'd hear somebody walking through the house in Cowboy boots, and the back door open and shut. Nobody was there, and for a while Dave thought I was crazy, that is, until he heard it as well. One night, I was woken up because of a dream. Grandpa came and talked to me, I don't know what about, or even remember anything other than being wrapped in his loving embrace. When I woke up, I could smell him, literally smell him and feel his arms around me. I sat there, enjoying the loving arms around me like I had so many years before he passed, until they vanished. I don't know if my crying woke him, or he sensed that I was awake, for he'd been on "Wife Watch" since Grandpa died, but Dave rolled over and saw that I was awake and went into panic mode.
He asked me if I was okay, and through my tears, I told him I was better than ok, I was happy that I had finally found some peace and closure. After I stopped the tears, I explained to Dave what happened, that our "visitor" was Grandpa, that I didn't know what he said to me, but know that he loves me and understands why I walked away from the situation. We didn't hear the footsteps after that night, and though my guilt hadn't totally gone away, I felt more at peace.
Everyone says they're thankful for this, and that, but you know, the one thing I will ALWAYS be thankful for is my Savior, the sacrifice he made for us so we could live with him again. I haven't been the strongest of persons, and people out there wonder at times where I stand in my faith. Since I started teaching the 10 and 11yr olds at Church, I realized that I do have a Testimony, a very strong one that I don't share with anyone. I can relate to the kid's attitudes, understand why they are opposed to going to church and even listening. I think that's why I was called to teach them, and through the last few months, I've noticed that I've made progress. I have also realized that I made the wrong choices that I did to help me get through to the kids, to be an example and strengthen my testimony. I love my savior very much, and am Thankful to be living in a country where we're able to worship who we want.

Good Day

Alright, the whole reason I started this blog was to vent, release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and whatever was keeping me down, to try to overcome my depression. I have been free of my anti-depressants since April, have had good days, and bad, sometimes with the bad outweighing the good. I can honestly say that today is not one of those days. I try to put pictures in each of my entries, pictures that go along with the post, or how I'm feeling that day. As you can see, today's picture is of the sun, shining as bright as it can through the clouds. That is how I feel today, I feel like I'm the rays of sunshine fighting through the thick clouds that are trying to keep me hidden. Yes, I could be a bit crazy, but that's why you guys all love me, and that's who I am, crazy ol Jess with the world's biggest heart (just try to fight that one).
Anyway, let me explain why I'm having such a good day. I had Kaitlynn and Madison stay the night last night, with Mom's permission because their "Step-Dad" had to take a load to Portland, wanted Janelle to go and couldn't take anyone else under the age of 18. Worried that Madison would wake up too early or through the night, I didn't sleep much, but felt oddly rested when I got up at 7. Then came the long awaited photos of Mr. Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, my adorable nephew, followed by a brief chat with his mommy. (Thank you Chrystal, I miss our chats!!) I get to look at the pictures on a bigger screen when I get upstairs, weigh myself before I got into the Shower and found that I lost 2 1/2lbs (YES, I am happy at that!) and am just in an all around good mood.
I have spent a lot of time thinking since I've been off my anti-d's, and have come up with some "life changes" if you will. There are a lot of "downers" in my life. In-laws not having a thing to do with us (there are 2 that do, you know who you are.), relationships in my own family, living with my parents, and even the loss of Mason. The downers named here, well they can't be gotten rid of, or fixed without the help of the other parties, but I've managed to find my "ray of sunshine" in those dark clouds. Thanks for the idea/help Dan, but from now on, I'm looking for the positives and focusing on the Lord first. I know that's the first step to finding who I am, and my happiness, and with the little miniscule changes I've made over the last week or so, I'm feeling that happiness.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a little bit of sunshine today. Hopefully I will stay in this mood the rest of the day. I look forward to more of these, it's been a really long time. I hope you all have a happy day, and if you're feeling down, think of one thing that always makes you happy and hold onto that. It's true when the Savior said " I didn't say it'd be easy, I only said it'd be worth it!"

Halloween

The Saturday before Halloween, Marsh and Emily brought the kids over for breakfast. Luckily, Dave had that weekend off, so it was a family ordeal. Later that day, we all walked through COSTCO, and then had lunch at Pizza Pie Cafe. We talked, ate, and laughed, watched Tucker play with his food and just had a good time as a family. When we got back home, we got ready for the ward's annual Chili Cook Off and Trunk or Treating. Marsh and Emily took the kids home to get into their costumes and get ready, as they said they'd be coming with us. I will confess, I was STOKED to have them, and Heather and Troy come as well, it had been a while since we've attended a church function as a family. Marsh and Emily returned with the kids, and as you can see, Josie was a little Ladybug. She didn't mind the hood on her head, and just quietly enjoyed herself. Then we have Tucker, our little cowboy. They were going to have him go as Dash from the Incredibles, but couldn't find the costume that would fit him. He loved his guns and honestly, looked pretty cute as a cowboy. The hardest part I saw of trying to find costumes for ANY of the kids, was weather they had hats/masks with them because they absolutely HATE having things worn on their head or face. I personally think that our little cowboy here, had a lot of fun, and from what Marsh said, by the time he got to the end of the Trunk or Treating, he was yelling TRICK OR TREAT. Though it was quite cold, everyone got a kick out of all the kids, and even Merlyn. Yes, that's right, I took Merlyn to the church's TRUNK OR TREAT. He sat in the truck during the Chili dinner, when it was time for Trunk or Treating, I pulled him out, costume and all. The reason I took Merlyn was on behalf of Mason. Halloween was Mason's favorite Holiday. He loved being near the kids, seeing them dressed up and even enjoyed dressing up himself. This year, it was rough on me because I haven't fully recovered from losing him, so I got his skeleton costume, put it on Merlyn and took Merlyn in Mason's Memory. Merlyn went over VERY well with not just the kids, but the adults as well, and though he was scared of his own shadow, he enjoyed it also I'm sure. Then we have Troy, of course we cannot forget Troy. For weeks before Halloween, Heather tried to figure out what to have him be, and I thought it'd be cute for him to be Frankenstein because he was just starting to walk, and walked like him. Heather didn't like that idea, but was having a problem because like Tucker, Troy didn't like wearing things on his face/head. So, after long thoughts, many ideas and searching, she settled on a little Vampire. I told her it was fitting since he LOVES to bite people, and we looked around for a costume that wasn't very cheesy. We finally found one that fit him at Wal-Mart, purchased it and dressed him up. He looked so stinking cute. He had a lot of fun going around Trunk or Treating with his cousins, got quite a bit of candy for his Mom, and had plenty of energy to spare when all was said and done, and they got home. This photo was taken at Grandma Gean's house. She let him play the piano and he absolutely LOVED it. I have a better picture of him on FB, that reminds me of Phantom of the Opera, where he's playing at the organ. All in all, it was a memorable Halloween weekend, the kids were adorable, Troy helped hand out Candy when our 3 Trick or Treaters came on Halloween night, and it was just full of happy memories and mixed emotions.