Who REALLY Cares Anyway

Ok, I'm letting everyone who reads this know that I'm stirring the poop so to speak. I'm pretty sure it's going to tick people off and result in many silent treatments and hurt feelings, but at this time, I really don't care. I've kept my feelings locked inside for so long that I just can't do it anymore. I actually sat there today and wondered, even wished I'd die just to see how many people actually cared about me as a person, and not for my "services".
Some of you would ask why I think and wonder this, well, here's what I've seen and felt. The reason I have posted this particular picture is because of the smile on my face, and what it means. It means that I was absolutely happy, really happy, yes, you could say that was the happiest day of my life. I saw this picture, and looked at the ones taken in the past few years, and realized that I haven't been happy at all. Somewhere along the way, that smile faded into something dark and ugly, that gets hidden from time to time at a feeble attempt to be happy again. Do I like being unhappy, absolutely not, do I want to fix what's making me unhappy? Who wouldn't?
Anyway, I've been having struggles with many things that I've managed to hide deep inside. I know it's not healthy to keep it bottled in but I've learned RAPIDLY that if I speak my feelings/concerns, I get mocked, taunted, treated like I'm the scum of the Earth, or even get the silent treatment. Since I lost my house and had to move in with my parents, I've heard my youngest brother tell me "If it weren't for Mom and Dad, I wouldn't ever come over" and I can't count the number of times he gives me and my husband the silent treatment without me knowing what I've done to warrent it. There were a few times we'd invite him to do something with us, and get "We don't have any money" or "No, we've already got plans". He never asks us to do anything with them, it's always my parents or my sister, never me or Dave. The only thing that he has to say to me is when he asks me to watch his kids. He doesn't do it very often, but when he does, I say yes because I don't get to see them very often. One night, he sat on the couch in front of the whole family and asked what my husband and I were doing that night. I told him that we weren't doing anything, and was disappointed when he asked us to babysit. I thought he was gonna invite us to do something with him, but found out it was to be a sitter for his kids while he went out with our cousin.
I have had problems with my sister. Lately it seems like she doesn't want a thing to do with me unless it involves watching her son. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore these kids, why wouldn't I? It really feels like nobody takes my feelings into consideration and I'm really tired of it. I have no kids of my own, and basically watch kids 6, sometimes 7 days a week, without much of a break or a chance to do anything I want to. Majority of that is because I DON'T say NO and choose to watch them. This is ok with me, but just once I'd like to have a heartfelt, genuine THANK YOU for it. I have questioned many times if my siblings love me, or are just using me, and it hurts. I know they don't stop to think how I must be feeling, around other people's kids all the time, and none of my own. Yes, I wonder if they know that I cry myself to sleep many nights because I don't feel like they really love me, because I'm jealous that they have these kids that at times, seems like inconveniences to both of them. Do they know that because of the way I'm basically ignored, not just by them, that I don't feel like I'm part of the family, that I'm just some parasite living with my parents, slowly draining the life out of everyone?
I understand now why I was on anti depressants for so many years, and why I SHOULD be on them again. It's not because I don't have kids, it's because my family uses me so bad, and doesn't stop to think of how they make me feel. Today, my brother and his wife took my sister to look at a place, leaving the 3 kids with mom. Mom wanted to vaccume but the boys wanted to go potty so I was asked to take them. The youngest boy took his diaper off, and was standing there, the oldest one was dancing, and I was stuck trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. I put the youngest on the training potty, the oldest on the toilet, telling him to push his weenie down so I wouldn't get peed on (he has good aim). I then turned to the youngest to push his down so he wouldn't pee around the room. The oldest didn't listen to me, Mom didn't hear my cries for help, so I had to sit, covered in pee, trying to get one kid to get back here while the other took off as well. Two naked boys running around, their parents walk in the door, and after tearfully explaining what happened (it was the straw that broke the camels back) I get the comment of "You don't need to get worked up over that" or something to that context. It pissed me off. Just because I was crying doesnt' mean it was because I got peed on by my nephew, it's not the first time I've been peed on and it won't be the last I'm sure. Nobody stopped to think that I was emotional before that, why would they? Needless to say, I ended up ruining everyone's day, nobody will talk to me, and I'm beginning to think that if I were to up and leave the state for good, they'd all throw a party. I love my family so much, and put them before me more times than I should, just once, I would like to have it returned.
Like I said at the beginning, I'm stirring the poop. I haven't said all that I feel, probably best I didn't. I'm hurting, keep trying and just can't help feeling like a failure. I don't know where my place lies in this world anymore, and have so much hurt inside, maybe the way I feel is right, maybe nobody really does care. I don't know, makes you wonder what FAMILY is all about now days.

What Happened???

Over the last few days, I've been left to do a lot of thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving has always been hard on me since Grandpa passed so suddenly, but now, it seems like they're trying to eliminate it all together. For as long as I could remember, the local radio station would play round the clock Christmas Music the day AFTER Thanksgiving. This year, it seems like they started playing it right after Halloween.
Now don't get me wrong, Christmas is my favorite holiday for personal reasons, and most of the songs, I do like. Thinking a lot of the Christmas music playing, and Thanksgiving makes me wonder what people think Thanksgiving really is all about. I remember as a little girl, around the time of Thanksgiving, sitting in school learning about the pilgrims and the meaning of Thanksgiving. It's not all about the feast, sharing, but being Thankful for what you've got. The day after Thanksgiving in 2005, we lost my Grandfather. He was ill, but we all thought it was just a cold, and his sudden death was hard on a lot of us, me in particular. About 4 months prior, I'd had an issue with my grandmother about my Aunt, and because of that, I stopped going around to see her and Grandpa. At the time, I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong, then when I heard Grandpa passed, well, it was like my whole world was crashing down on me. Only when he was gone did I realize I was punishing Grandpa for something that he wasn't even a part of. I didn't get to say goodbye, nobody really did, and I felt more guilt than I knew I could feel. For months after his death, I dwelled on that guilt, praying that he understood why I never went to see him, that he knew I loved him more than anything. Our house had carpet ONLY in the bedrooms and for weeks after Grandpa's passing, we'd hear somebody walking through the house in Cowboy boots, and the back door open and shut. Nobody was there, and for a while Dave thought I was crazy, that is, until he heard it as well. One night, I was woken up because of a dream. Grandpa came and talked to me, I don't know what about, or even remember anything other than being wrapped in his loving embrace. When I woke up, I could smell him, literally smell him and feel his arms around me. I sat there, enjoying the loving arms around me like I had so many years before he passed, until they vanished. I don't know if my crying woke him, or he sensed that I was awake, for he'd been on "Wife Watch" since Grandpa died, but Dave rolled over and saw that I was awake and went into panic mode.
He asked me if I was okay, and through my tears, I told him I was better than ok, I was happy that I had finally found some peace and closure. After I stopped the tears, I explained to Dave what happened, that our "visitor" was Grandpa, that I didn't know what he said to me, but know that he loves me and understands why I walked away from the situation. We didn't hear the footsteps after that night, and though my guilt hadn't totally gone away, I felt more at peace.
Everyone says they're thankful for this, and that, but you know, the one thing I will ALWAYS be thankful for is my Savior, the sacrifice he made for us so we could live with him again. I haven't been the strongest of persons, and people out there wonder at times where I stand in my faith. Since I started teaching the 10 and 11yr olds at Church, I realized that I do have a Testimony, a very strong one that I don't share with anyone. I can relate to the kid's attitudes, understand why they are opposed to going to church and even listening. I think that's why I was called to teach them, and through the last few months, I've noticed that I've made progress. I have also realized that I made the wrong choices that I did to help me get through to the kids, to be an example and strengthen my testimony. I love my savior very much, and am Thankful to be living in a country where we're able to worship who we want.

Good Day

Alright, the whole reason I started this blog was to vent, release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and whatever was keeping me down, to try to overcome my depression. I have been free of my anti-depressants since April, have had good days, and bad, sometimes with the bad outweighing the good. I can honestly say that today is not one of those days. I try to put pictures in each of my entries, pictures that go along with the post, or how I'm feeling that day. As you can see, today's picture is of the sun, shining as bright as it can through the clouds. That is how I feel today, I feel like I'm the rays of sunshine fighting through the thick clouds that are trying to keep me hidden. Yes, I could be a bit crazy, but that's why you guys all love me, and that's who I am, crazy ol Jess with the world's biggest heart (just try to fight that one).
Anyway, let me explain why I'm having such a good day. I had Kaitlynn and Madison stay the night last night, with Mom's permission because their "Step-Dad" had to take a load to Portland, wanted Janelle to go and couldn't take anyone else under the age of 18. Worried that Madison would wake up too early or through the night, I didn't sleep much, but felt oddly rested when I got up at 7. Then came the long awaited photos of Mr. Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, my adorable nephew, followed by a brief chat with his mommy. (Thank you Chrystal, I miss our chats!!) I get to look at the pictures on a bigger screen when I get upstairs, weigh myself before I got into the Shower and found that I lost 2 1/2lbs (YES, I am happy at that!) and am just in an all around good mood.
I have spent a lot of time thinking since I've been off my anti-d's, and have come up with some "life changes" if you will. There are a lot of "downers" in my life. In-laws not having a thing to do with us (there are 2 that do, you know who you are.), relationships in my own family, living with my parents, and even the loss of Mason. The downers named here, well they can't be gotten rid of, or fixed without the help of the other parties, but I've managed to find my "ray of sunshine" in those dark clouds. Thanks for the idea/help Dan, but from now on, I'm looking for the positives and focusing on the Lord first. I know that's the first step to finding who I am, and my happiness, and with the little miniscule changes I've made over the last week or so, I'm feeling that happiness.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a little bit of sunshine today. Hopefully I will stay in this mood the rest of the day. I look forward to more of these, it's been a really long time. I hope you all have a happy day, and if you're feeling down, think of one thing that always makes you happy and hold onto that. It's true when the Savior said " I didn't say it'd be easy, I only said it'd be worth it!"

Halloween

The Saturday before Halloween, Marsh and Emily brought the kids over for breakfast. Luckily, Dave had that weekend off, so it was a family ordeal. Later that day, we all walked through COSTCO, and then had lunch at Pizza Pie Cafe. We talked, ate, and laughed, watched Tucker play with his food and just had a good time as a family. When we got back home, we got ready for the ward's annual Chili Cook Off and Trunk or Treating. Marsh and Emily took the kids home to get into their costumes and get ready, as they said they'd be coming with us. I will confess, I was STOKED to have them, and Heather and Troy come as well, it had been a while since we've attended a church function as a family. Marsh and Emily returned with the kids, and as you can see, Josie was a little Ladybug. She didn't mind the hood on her head, and just quietly enjoyed herself. Then we have Tucker, our little cowboy. They were going to have him go as Dash from the Incredibles, but couldn't find the costume that would fit him. He loved his guns and honestly, looked pretty cute as a cowboy. The hardest part I saw of trying to find costumes for ANY of the kids, was weather they had hats/masks with them because they absolutely HATE having things worn on their head or face. I personally think that our little cowboy here, had a lot of fun, and from what Marsh said, by the time he got to the end of the Trunk or Treating, he was yelling TRICK OR TREAT. Though it was quite cold, everyone got a kick out of all the kids, and even Merlyn. Yes, that's right, I took Merlyn to the church's TRUNK OR TREAT. He sat in the truck during the Chili dinner, when it was time for Trunk or Treating, I pulled him out, costume and all. The reason I took Merlyn was on behalf of Mason. Halloween was Mason's favorite Holiday. He loved being near the kids, seeing them dressed up and even enjoyed dressing up himself. This year, it was rough on me because I haven't fully recovered from losing him, so I got his skeleton costume, put it on Merlyn and took Merlyn in Mason's Memory. Merlyn went over VERY well with not just the kids, but the adults as well, and though he was scared of his own shadow, he enjoyed it also I'm sure. Then we have Troy, of course we cannot forget Troy. For weeks before Halloween, Heather tried to figure out what to have him be, and I thought it'd be cute for him to be Frankenstein because he was just starting to walk, and walked like him. Heather didn't like that idea, but was having a problem because like Tucker, Troy didn't like wearing things on his face/head. So, after long thoughts, many ideas and searching, she settled on a little Vampire. I told her it was fitting since he LOVES to bite people, and we looked around for a costume that wasn't very cheesy. We finally found one that fit him at Wal-Mart, purchased it and dressed him up. He looked so stinking cute. He had a lot of fun going around Trunk or Treating with his cousins, got quite a bit of candy for his Mom, and had plenty of energy to spare when all was said and done, and they got home. This photo was taken at Grandma Gean's house. She let him play the piano and he absolutely LOVED it. I have a better picture of him on FB, that reminds me of Phantom of the Opera, where he's playing at the organ. All in all, it was a memorable Halloween weekend, the kids were adorable, Troy helped hand out Candy when our 3 Trick or Treaters came on Halloween night, and it was just full of happy memories and mixed emotions.

This is WHY

The latest update with Janelle's psycho ex, yes, he is psycho, is that he doesn't want me watching his kids because he's tired of all my lies. Keep in mind, I have not talked to him since his daughter's birthday last month, when I did, it was "Congratulations on getting married" nor have I talked to anyone about him, other than with Janelle when she vents.

I have been asked a number of times, why I even put up with this man and what he throws at me, and nobody really seems to understand my answer. Why DO I put up with him, his lies, tantrums and plain out garbage? I put up with all of this because Janelle and the kids are my friends, and I can't really fully avoid all his crap because as much as everyone hates it, he's still part of their lives. As hard as it is for me, I tell his little girl nothing but good things about her dad, only because he's her dad. She has asked me on a number of times why her dad hates me, all I tell her is that I don't know, and she'll have to ask him herself. For the longest time, Janelle would say to me, "I know you hate him...." and my response was always "I don't hate him, just what he does to you and how he treats you." Well, my eyes are opening up even wider, and now, yes, I hate the man, if that's what you want to call him.

Here's the story with this guy, when I first started to watch his kids, I asked them how they wanted me to take care of them, discipline, allergies, naps, that sort of stuff. They told me that they were fine with whatever, as long as they weren't injured and were safe. I did with their kids, as I had before with other peoples, and gave them the best possible care I could. I wouldn't ask for food to feed them, worked with their income even though I charged a flat rate, and basically bent over backward for them. I continued to be her friend, but gave up trying with him because he was nothing but backstabbing to me, telling Janelle that he doesn't want me watching his kids because I'm a liar and he doesn't like me. When they split, I sent Dave over to talk to him, console him, as a gesture that we've been trying to befriend him, it didn't work. He doesn't have the least bit of consideration toward Dave or I, unless it's beneficial to him.

I am now tired of the garbage of saying that I broke up their marriage by giving Janelle's number to a friend, that I am a liar and he's tired of my lies. I don't need that kind of garbage in my life, and though I'm told not to let it get to me, it does. I've never had my INTEGRITY attacked so much as it's been the last 5yrs. and he's poisoning my life along with Janelle's. Lee is a very unhappy and disturbed man, and I don't know if he's obsessed with me or what, but he brings me into EVERY issue he has, finding a way to put the blame on me. I have no proof or I'd get him for slander, it's all hearsay, but I'm really tired of being crucified every time he screws his life up. I know the only way to get this settled is to walk away from Janelle and the kids, but why let him win by screwing over a friendship? Any thoughts/suggestions are totally welcomed.

I Give Up!

Ever feel like you're a beetle, walking on your merry little way, and all of a sudden, you're buried in a fresh, steamy pile of cow crap? Yeah, that's been me for the last 2 and a half days now. My friend is having some serious problems with her ex, and because he thinks I'm the reason she's decided to stand up for herself, I am getting the brunt end of the argument.

Last night's argument between them was just insane and retarded, but as usual, the kids and I are the ones who are being punished. He doesn't like me, that's been established, and thinking it'll hurt her, he has told her that I'm not watching the kids anymore, he'll pay for a Day Care to watch them and she is to go to HIM anytime she needs a sitter. Yes, I'm taking it as a personal attack against me, why shouldn't I? How could I not? Anyway, it really hurt to hear this as I've done nothing wrong, and given the best possible care to these kids. I have some thoughts on the whole situation, and why he may be doing this, but it's not my place, nor do I really want to dwell on it. Anyway, I told my friend that since I've not got 2 days off, I'm gonna go find another job, what else can I do since she and her ex don't see eye to eye and I feel he's gonna follow through with his threats now. She doesn't think he will and that I don't need to, but it never hurts to be safe. Maybe it's what he needs to wake up to reality and who knows, SEEK HELP. The guy's got a FIANCEE' and trying to get back with my friend, though she's happily, EXTREMELY happily, involved with a man that treats her and the kids right. This Ex of hers is certifiably insane and really shouldn't be allowed in public. Just sayin.

Beside it being the 1mo. anniversary of Mason leaving me behind, it was the Homecoming Parade, and I can honestly say, I'm done with them. We got to a place to sit, and when I asked my husband to get things out and set up, he drags his feet, finally gets things out, only to find that the spot we were gonna set up in, had been taken. We took another spot, mostly in the sun, and should have had enough room away from the people who took our original spot, but then about 6 HS BOYS and their parents showed up, and sat next to us. I thought nothing of it at first, until the parade started. That's when I started getting the darkest of dark moods. The family who took our original spots was fine. The boys, well, when the participants in the parade threw candy, they'd look right at my nephew, and then throw the candy to the HS boys instead. I was pissed. Not because they were throwing it at these boys, but because they didn't pick it up, they just walked all over it until their mom said something. They didn't care about any of the candy, they wanted the bags, balls, and fliers that were being handed out. ONLY when they started tossing candy at my nephew did they take an interest in it and start crowding us out.

That's when things got darker for me. Nobody wanted to say something to them, when I said something, it didn't stop, they got back into our line of sight of the parade and I didn't get to see much of it. My sister was upset with me for it, thinking it was all about the candy, when it was mostly about the ignorance and disrespect of older kids not caring that people don't go to those just for the "goodies" but to actually have fun and look at the floats. I couldn't get my sister to understand that she experienced the same thing when she was her son's age, and that Dad had to yell at the people to get them to stop. I seriously had a bad experience and it put me in a really dark place.

When we got home, as I was waiting for my sister to get ready to go to the store, I went downstairs to lie down for a bit, fell asleep and was woken up to the sound of my husband snoring. I went to get up and move to another room so he could nap, heaven forbid I be nice. Instead, he stormed out of the room, leaving me there to feel like even more crap being piled on. Add the fact I haven't eaten, seems like nobody wants to hear a word out of my mouth and I just want to vanish like my words do. I really hate my life today, and just don't care anymore. I can't seem to pull anything together. My relationship with my in-laws sucks, why? Because I supposedly don't go out of my way to talk to them, when I do, well, I get a better conversation out of a WALL! My siblings complain I don't keep in touch enough, but when I do, the communication seems to stop suddenly. There's a vast distance between my husband and I, a distance that I know I can't fix on my own and I feel like he doesn't want to try. I feel more alone in this world than I ever have, and the one thing that loved me unconditionally, seemed to understand me the best, and wouldn't ever leave me, well, That one thing I had to lay to rest exactly a month ago today. I feel my life spinning down the toilet and have no control over trying to fix it. What's the use? I have constantly tried and get no success or cooperation. I quit!

Trouble Letting Go

It's been 2wks and a day, since I made the toughest decision of my life, I put Mason down. Dave and I had talked about it a few times during the year, not expecting to anytime soon. When I woke up that Thursday morning, never did I dream that day was there. Had I known it was gonna be Mason's last day on Earth, I would have changed a few things.

I clearly remember the day I met Mason. Could tell you exactly what Kennel they had him and his 2 siblings in even, Bryan was getting a companion for his Chocolate Lab, Dixie. We had Mason and his 2 siblings in the adoption room with us, watching them. Mason caught my eye because he was shy, stood off from everyone and when I looked at him, he peed himself. That's when he got my heart, love at first sight, and we were basically inseparable. He went through hell and back with me, from being beaten, to sleeping right next to me for 3 days straight, when I got my Wisdom Teeth pulled. I will never forget his smile, the unconditional love that he had for me, and being there when nobody else was.

Now most of you think, what's the big deal, it's just a dog. Sure, he was a dog to most people, but to me, he was my baby, a kindred spirit, the love of my life. I'm trying my best to move on, but my memories of him, combined with looking for him, expecting him to meet me at the door with his big smile, keep living inside and it's harder than hell to let go of him. I know his journey in this life has ended, and mine has to continue without him, that I'll see him again, but it really sucks to be left behind. I know I speak for everyone when I say that Mason was unique, one of a kind and yes, quite irreplaceable. Nobody will truly understand how deeply lost I am without him, the tight bond we had and what not. I wish there was a heal button that I could push to overcome my loss quicker. It isn't just me that is mourning, Merlyn has been moping around, either stays with me constantly or hides under the computer desk all day.

Since his passing, I haven't been able to sleep, cry at odd hours, and have tried to focus on other things. The memories keep flooding in, and the feeling like it's all just a dream keep coming back too. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do, but looking into the eyes of my baby boy at the Vet's office that morning, I knew it was the right thing to do. We don't know for sure what happened, maybe Cancer, maybe it was a Stroke, the Vet wanted to do blood tests, I opted out knowing he was in pain and just couldn't do it anymore. Just like when he first came into my life, I will never forget the day he left my life. One thing I can learn from this is that your pets become more than just that, they become family, even kids. Don't take them for granted and by all means, NEVER take them for granted. Their time on this Earth is short, and they have so much love to give. We can all learn a lot from our pets, and I do believe that they're angels sent from Heaven to watch over us. RIP Mason, you'll NEVER be forgotten or replaced!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER and can't wait until the day we see each other again!!

Is It March Yet?

Okay, so those of you who do NOT know, I've never been to Texas, EVER. A few months back, Dave said that he wouldn't mind moving there someday, and I looked at him and asked if I could go VISIT there for once before that kind of decision is made. Little did I know that would start a series of ideas that resulted in a vacation for a week in Galveston, with the help of Dan and Chrystal.
They set us up with a time share for a week, on the beach, and are gonna help us get our flight and rental car as well. The plan is to save as much as we can by then, and use our tax returns as well. At first, I wondered "Who's gonna watch the kids while I'm gone". Yes, I'm around kids WAY to much for somebody who doesn't have any of her own. Anyway, since then, Dave and I have been pretty excited to go, looking up places to visit while we're there, deciding when to visit family and when to have time to ourselves.
In preparation, we're also trying to change our lifestyles in the sense of losing weight, getting better in shape, and budgeting. It's something we want to have as a habit when the time comes to vacation. As the days progress, the more time I spend with the kids, the more I want to leave. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job, love the kids, but lately, it seems like the 5yr old is worse than normal, her brother doesn't listen EVER and is the biggest brat I've watched. I love my family, friends, but being in this city without doing much of anything gets old, and I just need a break.

Who'da Thunk it....

Since Heather was put on bed rest a few days ago, Chas has stepped up and helped out a LOT with Troy. Today as I headed for Mom and Dad's room, I peeked in on Chas and Troy, and caught him actually changing a diaper. This is a rare moment, so I immediately grabbed my camera and took a picture. It was worth not being in focus, but he caught me taking the picture, and told me it's not to be posted on Facebook. Instead, it's posted on my blog. *smiles*

I'm not saying that Chas is a bad dad, he's just not around much as he's always in WY working. It's been good to have a break and not watch him so much, and I'm finding my stress and patience is starting to come back in to check. If I could have this kind of 4 day weekend from ALL kids each month, I'd be set. Happy 4th everyone!!

Jackson Hole

This past Saturday I went with Janelle and the kids to Jackson Hole, Wyoming to do some Mystery Shops. She had to do 2 frame stores, a gas station, hotel, Ripley's Believe It or Not, and a Dairy Queen.We had about 5hrs to kill before we could check into the hotel, so we went "sight seeing". After checking out a few stores, we decided to go to Ripley's Believe It or Not. We walked through, and I took TONS of pictures, only to find that the batteries in my camera were dying so I started just photographing the ones that interested me the most.
I had a bit of a struggle figuring out which one I wanted to post on here, so I went with the Kodiak. As you can see, this bear was attacked by a porcupine. There are over 514 quills in this bear's face, and because he couldn't really see or eat, staggered into the road and was killed by a moving vehicle. This was one of my many favorites. The only complaint I had about it is that we had a stroller, and the employees neglected to tell us that there were stairs we had to go up, or offer to let us use the handicap elevator. Other than that, we had fun walking through it, had a few good laughs because of Kaitlynn, and Madison as well.
We then went to some more stores for shopping, Great Harvest for lunch and then did a few more of the Mystery Shops she had to do. We walked everywhere, a full 6 hours, stores, visitor's center, Ripley's, you name it, we walked. When it was time to check in to the Hotel, we walked to the car and drove there. We checked in, unloaded the car, then went to dinner at Dairy Queen. Across the street from it was the Visitor's Center, and a LOT of Canadian Geese. I managed to get a good shot of them, went into Dairy Queen and regretted it.
While I waited for somebody to take my order, an employee looked BEHIND me and asked the person if he could help him. I was mad, absolutely furious that I was overlooked. I first thought it was because I was standing right behind Janelle who was ordering her food. But when he was done helping that one person, he looked behind me again (Janelle had just finished her order and the girl at the register left) and waited on the gentleman behind me again. Just as I was about to say something, another girl walked up to me and asked if I had been helped. I told her NO, and placed my order although I thought about just walking out and finding another place to dine. Come to find out, the whole store was employed by Mexicans, and the 2 people that were waited on before me, were Mexican also. I mean no offense to anyone reading this, I'm really not racist, but I never felt so discriminated against before. It really bothered and upset me, and when I go back to Jackson Hole again, that is one place I will NEVER think about eating at again.

Salt Lake City

This is Jerry. Jerry is the Carriage Horse who kindly took us for a 30 min. ride through Downtown Salt Lake City, on Saturday. We had breakfast, went for a little swim, and then decided to hang out downtown for the day. After we parked the truck, we walked to the Church Office Buildings only to find that they were closed, so we wandered through the buildings to the Joseph Smith Building, and watched the Joseph Smith movie they have playing in the Legacy theater.

When the movie was over, we began to walk toward where the Carriage horses through Temple Square, and were stopped by the sister missionaries. After talking with them for a bit, and letting one take our picture, we headed to the row of horse and carriages, and Jerry was the lucky one in front. We talked to his driver, and among ourselves and decided that we could pull off the $40 to go for a ride, and did so. While we talked, I petted Jerry, scratched under his bridle, and just made friends with him.

Dave tried to be friends with Jerry, but nothing came of it, in fact, Jerry jumped away from him. Throughout the ride, Jerry would act up occasionally, it wasn't until we got home that I realized it was probably because he knew he was pulling Dave and doesn't like him. After the carriage ride, we got the truck, and drove to the Gateway Mall. After we parked, we debated on eating dinner, or walking around. We started walking around, and realized we were getting bored of that fast, and everyone was starting to close, so we went to dinner. We ate at the Rumbi Island Grill (LOVE IT), then went next door to Juicy Berry for some frozen yogurt. We still had an hour and a half to kill, so we went to the Clark Planetarium. I'm sad to say that it's gone downhill since they changed locations and names. We didn't do much more than look through the gift shop, then went to our show. It wasn't bad but by the time I got back to our hotel, and walked a mile to our room, I was beat and out by the time my head hit the pillow.

A True HAM

This is one of the MANY faces of Troy. I think it's his favorite one as he gives it a LOT lately, especially when he's on a sugar high. The other night, he was being a bit grumpy, then I started feeding him Lasagna and this is the face I got. I've decided it's so fun watching the kids around me grow up. Be it the Chaney kids, Haugh kids, or just my nephews and niece. Somebody once asked me why it is that I like kids so much, and for a while, I didn't give it much thought.

Now, as I look into the eyes of Troy, Tucker, even Josie (who eerily looks like I did when I was her age) I realize why I like kids so much, and what goes through my mind while I'm around them. The conclusion I have had about liking kids so much is this, they're the closest things to Heaven, fresh, new through the veil, and when I see a child, I still think of what Jesus has said, be liken unto the Children...

I also like watching them develop their personalities, becoming their own little person. Lately, the new kids I've taken on have born a great burden. They're almost more than I can handle, especially the last 2 days. For those who know, I've been pretty good at being tolerant with the kids, but these ones have been pushing my buttons pretty hard, and it's almost been taking its toll on me. Heather has been suffering with Morning Sickness pretty bad, and was told to take Unisom to help settle her stomach (dunno about that one). She sleeps a lot now, and has asked me if I'd be willing to watch Troy on top of the kids I watch. Keep in mind, the ages of these kids are as follows: Madison 1yr, Illiana 1yr, Maison 3yrs, and Kaitlynn is 4. Though my looks say otherwise, I tell her I can and will, and when she thinks I don't think I can handle it, I tell her that it helps me keep my sanity in check.
For the most part, it helps, but lately he's taking on the kids attitudes and hitting them. Today he was caught hitting Maison in the face with a metal car, he soon found out that was not a good choice. I also have had fun watching him Learn. Dave and I have taught him how to say "Please" , "More" and "Thank You" in sign language. He does his own version of More, but also says it verbally as well as signs it. We've noticed his Vocabulary is growing each day, and when he first was introduced to the sign "Thank You", I cracked up because he had to THINK about what it was before he did it. He'd go to sign "more" and then "please" and realized those weren't the signs for it, and finally got Thank You right.

A Couple Hours Work

Well, it came that time again when Mason needed a good brush down. He would leave clumps after lying down, or even sitting down. I spent an hour brushing him out, and though I wasn't completely done, this is the amount of hair I got off of him. I would have normally brushed until little hair came out in the brush, but I was rapidly losing daylight, and couldn't hose him off when I was done. As you can see, the amount of hair was almost as big as he is. He hates being brushed out, but feels so much better when he is.

Mason is getting up there in years, 13 which is pretty old for a large breed dog. It has broken my heart to think that I have limited time with him on earth, and I don't look forward to the day when he moves on. I am proud to say that he's the first dog I've ever trained, raised from a puppy, and took care of myself. I couldn't afford to always keep up on his dental needs or vaccines, but have made sure he's been pretty healthy. I guess you could say he's living the "rags to riches" life in a dog's eye. He started out at the local animal shelter, and at the age of 2mo, walked into my life. Out of the 3 of them, he stood out from his siblings as he was a laid back pup, and won me over with those sad, brown eyes. Through the years, he's basically been my right hand man. When I was sick or sad, Mason would push his nose under my hand and see to it that I was comforted. When I got my Wisdom Teeth pulled, I remember falling asleep for 3 days, with Mason lying on the bed right next to me for those 3 days, without getting up to eat or for potty breaks. Mason isn't mans best friend, he's MY best friend, and I couldn't ask for a better dog.

Burdens

Dave and I have recently been called to teach
the Valiants in Primary. These are the 10 and 11 year old kids who are getting ready to go into Young Men's and Young Womens.

When the Bishop asked us to do this, he warned us that most of the kids in there were a challenge and a handful, but knew we could handle it. Right on the spot, after saying we'd do it, I told him that if the kids wanted to act like the 4yr old pictured here, they'd be treated like a 4yr old. He was fine with that, and when the Primary President dropped the manual off, I told her the same thing.
Sunday came around, and though we missed the first half of Sacrament, we made it on time to our class, expecting the worse. Instead, one of the kids had gotten the chalk, an eraser, scriptures for everyone and even wrote "Welcome New Teachers" on the board. Dave and I were in shock, but didn't drop our guards. Then after telling the kids that we won't take any goofing off, and that we weren't afraid to treat them like 4yr olds if they act like it, we showed them the Maximum punishment (which the Primary President and Bishop BOTH knew about), Dad's "Burden Ball". I passed it around to each kid, and one in particular had commented that it was cool, and he wanted to wear it.
Long story short, instead of anyone wearing the "Burden Ball", one of the kids was made to stand with his nose in the corner, and after telling me he was a YOUNG MAN not a LITTLE KID, I replied ever so calmly "Oh really? Cause from where I'm standing, you're not acting like a YOUNG MAN" He behaved for the most part in sharing time, and after church, when we were getting set apart, I pulled the Burden Ball out for the Bishop and his Counselor to see, and the first words out of his counselors mouth was "Oh no, Alec didn't have to wear that did he?" I reassured him that his son was one of the best kids in there, and what we only really had a problem with one of the kids. We will see what this Sunday brings, if this kid has learned his lesson or if he wants round 2, but they all know that they're stuck with us, and will NOT get away with anything.

Heather's Valentine's Gift

For the past few Months, Elvira, Heather's little arachnid friend, hasn't eaten or done much but switch sides of her cage from time to time. The 12th or 13th, Elvira flipped onto her back and stayed there. On Valentines Day, we had noticed that she finally molted her skin, and so Dad took it upon himself to take the skin out of the cage. He brought it upstairs and put it in Mom's cookie box she got from school.

As much as I dislike spiders, ok, lets face it, they're the Devil, I've become slightly fascinated with Elvira and her habits. From the first time I saw her eat a half a dozen crickets at one time, to seeing on Youtube how a tarantula molts, its actually interesting in a creepy kind of way.

I didn't know that they molt their fangs, and can't eat until their exoskeleton hardens after molting. They push themselves out of the old skeleton through their butt, and it can take 4hrs to molt. I heard at one time that Mom wanted to keep the skeleton in the school for the kids to see, but I really don't know for sure what the real plan is. Sadly enough, I've been entertaining the idea of having one of my own, but seriously don't think I'd be that brave yet.

New Hobby

As you all know, I'm learning to crochet on my own. Over the past few years, I've made blankets, scarves, dishcloths and even tried my hand at a doggie coat that turned out relatively fine except the dog it is for is allergic to the yarn. This year, my goal is to try some thing new to crochet each month. One night as we were walking through Wal Mart with Marsh and Emily, I ran across this yarn that Emily liked for Josie, and decided to make her a hat with it. The original plan was to use my Knifty Knitter to make the hat but saw this adorable pattern on the paper wrapped around the skeen.

To my delight, the pattern was easy and after I got it down, the hat took about a week to finish. It was a little bigger than expected for Josie, but works and Marsh and Emily absolutely LOVE it on Josie. Among the many dishcloths I've got scheduled to make, I'm planning on filling 2 orders I already have for Hats and Scarves and then will make more of these hats and sell them. Before too long, I want to make a price list for the things I can make, and take orders for whatever people want. I'm finding that crocheting is good therapy for me, and am glad that Rachel took the time and had the patience to teach me the basics..