I Give Up!

Ever feel like you're a beetle, walking on your merry little way, and all of a sudden, you're buried in a fresh, steamy pile of cow crap? Yeah, that's been me for the last 2 and a half days now. My friend is having some serious problems with her ex, and because he thinks I'm the reason she's decided to stand up for herself, I am getting the brunt end of the argument.

Last night's argument between them was just insane and retarded, but as usual, the kids and I are the ones who are being punished. He doesn't like me, that's been established, and thinking it'll hurt her, he has told her that I'm not watching the kids anymore, he'll pay for a Day Care to watch them and she is to go to HIM anytime she needs a sitter. Yes, I'm taking it as a personal attack against me, why shouldn't I? How could I not? Anyway, it really hurt to hear this as I've done nothing wrong, and given the best possible care to these kids. I have some thoughts on the whole situation, and why he may be doing this, but it's not my place, nor do I really want to dwell on it. Anyway, I told my friend that since I've not got 2 days off, I'm gonna go find another job, what else can I do since she and her ex don't see eye to eye and I feel he's gonna follow through with his threats now. She doesn't think he will and that I don't need to, but it never hurts to be safe. Maybe it's what he needs to wake up to reality and who knows, SEEK HELP. The guy's got a FIANCEE' and trying to get back with my friend, though she's happily, EXTREMELY happily, involved with a man that treats her and the kids right. This Ex of hers is certifiably insane and really shouldn't be allowed in public. Just sayin.

Beside it being the 1mo. anniversary of Mason leaving me behind, it was the Homecoming Parade, and I can honestly say, I'm done with them. We got to a place to sit, and when I asked my husband to get things out and set up, he drags his feet, finally gets things out, only to find that the spot we were gonna set up in, had been taken. We took another spot, mostly in the sun, and should have had enough room away from the people who took our original spot, but then about 6 HS BOYS and their parents showed up, and sat next to us. I thought nothing of it at first, until the parade started. That's when I started getting the darkest of dark moods. The family who took our original spots was fine. The boys, well, when the participants in the parade threw candy, they'd look right at my nephew, and then throw the candy to the HS boys instead. I was pissed. Not because they were throwing it at these boys, but because they didn't pick it up, they just walked all over it until their mom said something. They didn't care about any of the candy, they wanted the bags, balls, and fliers that were being handed out. ONLY when they started tossing candy at my nephew did they take an interest in it and start crowding us out.

That's when things got darker for me. Nobody wanted to say something to them, when I said something, it didn't stop, they got back into our line of sight of the parade and I didn't get to see much of it. My sister was upset with me for it, thinking it was all about the candy, when it was mostly about the ignorance and disrespect of older kids not caring that people don't go to those just for the "goodies" but to actually have fun and look at the floats. I couldn't get my sister to understand that she experienced the same thing when she was her son's age, and that Dad had to yell at the people to get them to stop. I seriously had a bad experience and it put me in a really dark place.

When we got home, as I was waiting for my sister to get ready to go to the store, I went downstairs to lie down for a bit, fell asleep and was woken up to the sound of my husband snoring. I went to get up and move to another room so he could nap, heaven forbid I be nice. Instead, he stormed out of the room, leaving me there to feel like even more crap being piled on. Add the fact I haven't eaten, seems like nobody wants to hear a word out of my mouth and I just want to vanish like my words do. I really hate my life today, and just don't care anymore. I can't seem to pull anything together. My relationship with my in-laws sucks, why? Because I supposedly don't go out of my way to talk to them, when I do, well, I get a better conversation out of a WALL! My siblings complain I don't keep in touch enough, but when I do, the communication seems to stop suddenly. There's a vast distance between my husband and I, a distance that I know I can't fix on my own and I feel like he doesn't want to try. I feel more alone in this world than I ever have, and the one thing that loved me unconditionally, seemed to understand me the best, and wouldn't ever leave me, well, That one thing I had to lay to rest exactly a month ago today. I feel my life spinning down the toilet and have no control over trying to fix it. What's the use? I have constantly tried and get no success or cooperation. I quit!