It was a really long day in Church today. Bentley stayed in the Library with me due to a runny nose, and when it came time to go to Sacrament, I'd inhaled enough SERENITY that I was ready to fall asleep. Surprisingly enough, I managed to stay awake, but got the boys to sleep. As I listened to the talks (one of the FEW times I get a chance to) I began to think about me, and what is and is NOT important to my salvation. I mentioned in my previous post that 2 women said somethings to me that has been eating at me since. I THOUGHT these women were my friends, but after what was said to me, I really don't think that's the case, and that is a tough pill to swallow.
The first woman said this to me at a time in my life when I REALLY needed a friend, somebody to give me that extra boost I needed to remind me why I do what I do. I didn't get that from her, instead, I got torn to shreds emotionally and was left feeling worthless, hated, and like I should make the whole world happier if I just died or vanished. She told me that she likes me as a person, but that the person she sees in front of me is a broken, shamble of the "me" she likes, and basically, until I turned myself around, she didn't want to be around that. I know that she meant well, but it hurt, to the core and it left me with a whole mess of questions I don't think I can find answers to. My whole life I've struggled with friends, I'd make them, think all was well with them and then all of a sudden, they'd either beat me up or tell me that they don't like me and that they were just using me. This has always been an insecurity of mine and I've always wondered what it is about me that nobody likes.
I stewed over this for a week before I decided I was going to try to be more positive about life, regardless of things that are going on. At the time she "attacked" me, I was worn out, stressed and just needed a friend. All that was needed was a simple "I see you're down, is there anything I can do to help lighten your load?" instead, I got "Hey, let me kick you when you're down." Anyway, I decided that I would be more positive about this, even though it hurts, I am being the bigger person. I took what she told me as an I just don't like you thing, but I'm still going to friend her, and practice what the savior teaches, love thy neighbor. The other woman who said something to me that also bothered me, said that I should move to a different ward, where people don't know much about me, maybe then I'll make friends. I threw this back in her face by telling her that the people who know EVERYTHING about me, have known me since I was 9yrs old, accept me and are basically the only ones who acknowledge me at church. I proceeded to tell her that the people who are new to the ward, or don't WANT to take time to get to know me and just scratch the surface, are the ones who have problems. It really upset me and made me feel like I was stabbed in the back. I THOUGHT I was doing a good job on myself, but apparently, only the negative shows.
For the longest time, I wondered why me? What is it about me that makes it hard for people to love and accept me? I can't think of what I'm doing wrong, and for YEARS I would try to be the person that OTHERS think I should be, and lost sight of myself. After a LOT of thinking about what these two "friends" said to me, I began to question what a friend really is, and WHO I really am. I know that I've lost myself and that right now, I'm a broken, scared woman who yearns for a friend, somebody that will take the time to really look at me and see that I"m struggling. A friend, in my book is one who sees all your flaws and loves you just the same.Anyway, listening to these talks today, I got to thinking that I need to stop worrying about a friend, stop conforming to what people WANT me to be, and to just find myself again. I KNOW that I am a kind, loving, compassionate, and giving woman. I ENJOY putting other's needs before mine, helping others, isn't that what we're commanded to do? My goal is to focus on healing myself, and relying on my savior for strength and help. He is and always has been my friend, and always there for me when I need somebody the most. We will see what changes come of this, if I can stop worrying if I have a friend or not, and even though I feel like a black sheep in the ward, I'm going to continue to go and those who don't like me, well, they can be uncomfortable or just avoid me, I'm not there for them, I'm there to do what I'm supposed to do. To those of you who read this, and really do care about me, THANK YOU. It's been the hardest thing to deal with in my life, is my self esteem and what kind of a person I am.
I have done a lot of thinking toward the end of 2013 with the loss of all our belongings and 3 Aunts. I've thought back to things people have said about me, to me, new friends I've made, and changes I've seen in others as well as in myself. I have realized that I have no clue who I am, that I try to conform to what others want me to be and that isn't the right thing to do. I KNOW I need to learn to be more positive, that the "Debbie Downer" needs to be gone. With that, I'm starting a new chapter in my life, a "Fresh Start" if you will. I'm no longer going to let things get me down, instead, I'm going to focus on the POSITIVE in things each day, and make note of them. When we found out all our things were sold without our notification, I was crushed. I got on my knees and asked for the strength to cope and handle the problem I was facing. The 2 items I wanted the absolute MOST were my wedding bouquet that my husband designed himself, and a wooden Tiki that my Grandmother brought back from her mission in Samoa so many years ago. I was terrified I wouldn't get them back, sure, I wanted to see everything returned to me safe and sound but realistically, I KNEW that wasn't going to happen. Luck would have it that I found the person who bought my stuff, donating most of it to Deseret Industries on Black Friday. After telling him and 4 DI Employees my story, he told me to E-mail him with the stuff I wanted back the most and he'd get it to me. (I really wanted my stuffed animal collection but they were already gone by the time I got to DI) After he was unloaded and gone, the Employees offered to let me go through the things he donated, and get my things out of the store that I wanted. This is where the seeing positive comes in. Rather than being greedy and running into the store, I was humbled, and told them to let somebody else who needs them more than me have them. I rummaged through the items there, took 2 truckloads home to sort through and will donate what I don't NEED.
Through the end of November, and the whole month of December, I tried to do the Positive Thinking, and relied on my savior for guidance and strength to make it through this trial. It worked for the most part, but then "Big Ann" my Great Aunt, passed away, then Marre' my other Aunt passed away. It was frustrating and harder to find the positive in things. I kept reminding myself about finding the positive in things, and as I was listening to Aunt Ann's life sketch, I realized 2 things. The first is that BOTH Aunts who passed away were POSITIVE women. I can't remember many times where they weren't happy, and the 2nd thing was that like me, Ann never had any children. Though she didn't have any kids, she focused on other children, be it through the schools she worked at, nieces, nephews or just the neighborhood kids. It made me realize that though I have no children of my own, I can still satisfy that need to be a parent so to speak, through other people's children. I can set an example, teach them, love them, and be there for them, just as if they were my own. I truly am blessed to be able to know the children that I do.
The more I think POSITIVE, the easier it becomes. Sure, there are days where all I want to do is mope and feel sorry for myself, but like all changes that people want to make, there will be setbacks, and it's up to you to continue in those changes or succumb to those setbacks. Time will tell just how successful I am with these upcomming changes I'm making. Not only am I trying to be more positive on things, but I'd also like to draw closer to my savior than what I have been. I know where I stand in my beliefs, but like so many of us do, I am not PRACTICING them as much as I should. I look into the eyes of my nephews each day and realize that they're here to learn, love and WE are the ones to teach them.
