Santa Monica

  So Dave won this trip to Hollywood a few months back. We flew out of the Pocatello Airport at 7am on February 6th and arrived at the Loews Santa Monica Hotel by noon. We were originally booked for a room on the 8th floor but it didn't have an ocean view, and because I cracked a joke about not being able to see the ocean when I woke up, the front desk put us on the 2nd floor, facing the ocean. We got things put away and then took off to the Santa Monica Pier to explore. We walked the beach, looked around the pier and then walked to the 3rd St. Promenade/mall for lunch. I discovered the Disney Store where I started up my Stuffed Animal collection and got a little "taste" of Totem that Cirque De Solei put on. We were interested in seeing it but didn't want to spend $100 per person to get in, so we passed. When we got back to the Hotel, we ran into a problem. Dave opened the bar to get the water out that we got from our driver, but it wasn't there. When he talked to the Front Desk about it, they said that he'd checked out and they took care of the items in there that were ours.
   After about an hour, we got it straightened out, though we STILL don't know why we got checked out the same day we were checked in. They moved us from the 2nd floor back to the room we were originally booked, and then given 2 complimentary bottles of water to replace the ones we had brought with us. After resting for a while, and letting a friend know we made it safe, we went to the Pier once again to calm myself down. We made it over to the Aquarium, and though it was tiny, enjoyed ourselves. After the Aquarium, it was time for a cocktail party at the Hotel, so we headed back over there. We mingled briefly while our friend drove up to meet us from Westminster. Though we didn't get to talk much to anyone, we thanked the Starz Reps for inviting us, explained that we had to take off to see a friend we hadn't seen in almost 10yrs. It ended up that we had to walk about 4 blocks in the rain to meet up with Mike and his family but it was well worth it. We had a nice dinner and conversation at the mall with them, and then walked in the rain back to the hotel.
  We walked the pier, yet again, until we were too cold and tired to do much of anything else, and headed back to our room. As soon as I lied down, I passed out cold and slept like a rock until the alarm went of at 6am. We got up, got ready for the day and then headed downstairs to catch our Limo to Sony Pictures Studios for our tour. It was a nice tour, we learned a few things, I got some good laughs at a woman in our group every time she realized that EVERYTHING in movies are fake.  They took us past Adam Sandler's office, Happy Madison, and YES, he was there, just didn't come out to say hi. They took us to the set of The Goldburgs, and Rake, then off to the set of Jeopardy. After our tour, they took us to Wolfgang Puck's restaurants located on the lot, in the commissary. Apparently while we were there, Seth Rogan decided to eat there too, but we didn't see him. Can I just say, that the chicken sandwich I had was the best one I've had, EVER! After we finished our stuff up at the Sony Studios, we were driven back to the Hotel and went our separate ways. Dave and I  got a bike ride to Venice Beach, wasn't impressed with it and walked back to the pier. Once again, went walking around the Pier, along the beach, and then back to our room to relax. The following morning, we took a long walk after we had breakfast. Dave wanted to eat at El Polo Loco and we walked to it just to see how far we had to go for lunch/dinner. After we got back from the LONG walk, we waited in our room until it was time to check in to our flight, and then walked the Pier shopping for souveniers. We then flagged down a free ride to the Disney Store at the mall, and then El Polo Loco. While at the mall, we saw Ken Jeong but didn't talk to or get a picture of him. Dave didn't agree that it was him, but I knew it was.  I can honestly say that I'd eat at El Polo Loco again.
  Leaving Santa Monica was not what I wanted to do. I was able to be myself, extremely happy and wasn't saddled with kids that weren't mine. When we boarded the plane for SLC, I joked with Dave about 3 men in front of us telling him that they were Boyz II Men, when in fact, they were Jagged Edge. Our flight home wasn't bad, and it was nice to be home,  but I've noticed that taking on everyone's kids and not being able to do things that I want and NEED to do, is a life sucker, and I'm instantly reminded of how miserable I really am. At times, YES, I do feel like a slave, that I have no say in my life and I'm only put here to do what others want me to do. If I try to stand up for myself, I get the kids used against me, and it really sucks. I just pray that Dave wins this other trip to Miami, and I can get a little bit more of the real "Jess" back.

Who Are YOU?

   It was a really long day in Church today. Bentley stayed in the Library with me due to a runny nose, and when it came time to go to Sacrament, I'd inhaled enough SERENITY that I was ready to fall asleep.  Surprisingly enough, I managed to stay awake, but got the boys to sleep. As I listened to the talks (one of the FEW times I get a chance to) I began to think about me, and what is and is NOT important to my salvation. I mentioned in my previous post that 2 women said somethings to me that has been eating at me since. I THOUGHT these women were my friends, but after what was said to me, I really don't think that's the case, and that is a tough pill to swallow.
   The first woman said this to me at a time in my life when I REALLY needed a friend, somebody to give me that extra boost I needed to remind me why I do what I do. I didn't get that from her, instead, I got torn to shreds emotionally and was left feeling worthless, hated, and like I should make the whole world happier if I just died or vanished. She told me that she likes me as a person, but that the person she sees in front of me is a broken, shamble of the "me" she likes, and basically, until I turned myself around, she didn't want to be around that.  I know that she meant well, but it hurt, to the core and it left me with a whole mess of questions I don't think I can find answers to. My whole life I've struggled with friends, I'd make them, think all was well with them and then all of a sudden, they'd either beat me up or tell me that they don't like me and that they were just using me. This has always been an insecurity of mine and I've always wondered what it is about me that nobody likes.
   I stewed over this for a week before I decided I was going to try to be more positive about life, regardless of things that are going on. At the time she "attacked" me, I was worn out, stressed and just needed a friend. All that was needed was a simple "I see you're down, is there anything I can do to help lighten your load?" instead, I got "Hey, let me kick you when you're down." Anyway, I decided that I would be more positive about this, even though it hurts, I am being the bigger person. I took what she told me as an I just don't like you thing, but I'm still going to friend her, and practice what the savior teaches, love thy neighbor. The other woman who said something to me that also bothered me, said that I should move to a different ward, where people don't know much about me, maybe then I'll make friends. I threw this back in her face by telling her that the people who know EVERYTHING about me, have known me since I was 9yrs old, accept me and are basically the only ones who acknowledge me at church. I proceeded to tell her that the people who are new to the ward, or don't WANT to take time to get to know me and just scratch the surface, are the ones who have problems. It really upset me and made me feel like I was stabbed in the back. I THOUGHT I was doing a good job on myself, but apparently, only the negative shows.
   For the longest time, I wondered why me? What is it about me that makes it hard for people to love and accept me? I can't think of what I'm doing wrong, and for YEARS I would try to be the person that OTHERS think I should be, and lost sight of myself. After a LOT of thinking about what these two "friends" said to me, I began to question what a friend really is, and WHO I really am. I know that I've lost myself and that right now, I'm a broken, scared woman who yearns for a friend, somebody that will take the time to really look at me and see that I"m struggling. A friend, in my book is one who sees all your flaws and loves you just the same.Anyway, listening to these talks today, I got to thinking that I need to stop worrying about a friend, stop conforming to what people WANT me to be, and to just find myself again. I KNOW that I am a kind, loving, compassionate, and giving woman. I ENJOY putting other's needs before mine, helping others, isn't that what we're commanded to do? My goal is to focus on healing myself, and relying on my savior for strength and help. He is and always has been my friend, and always there for me when I need somebody the most. We will see what changes come of this, if I can stop worrying if I have a friend or not, and even though I feel like a black sheep in the ward, I'm going to continue to go and those who don't like me, well, they can be uncomfortable or just avoid me, I'm not there for them, I'm there to do what I'm supposed to do. To those of you who read this, and really do care about me, THANK YOU. It's been the hardest thing to deal with in my life, is my self esteem and what kind of a person I am.

A New Day

   I have done a lot of thinking toward the end of 2013 with the loss of all our belongings and 3 Aunts. I've thought back to things people have said about me, to me, new friends I've made, and changes I've seen in others as well as in myself. I have realized that I have no clue who I am, that I try to conform to what others want me to be and that isn't the right thing to do. I KNOW I need to learn to be more positive, that the "Debbie Downer" needs to be gone. With that, I'm starting a new chapter in my life, a "Fresh Start" if you will. I'm no longer going to let things get me down, instead, I'm going to focus on the POSITIVE in things each day, and make note of them. When we found out all our things were sold without our notification, I was crushed. I got on my knees and asked for the strength to cope and handle the problem I was facing. The 2 items I wanted the absolute MOST were my wedding bouquet that my husband designed himself, and a wooden Tiki that my Grandmother brought back from her mission in Samoa so many years ago. I was terrified I wouldn't get them back, sure, I wanted to see everything returned to me safe and sound but realistically, I KNEW that wasn't going to happen. Luck would have it that I found the person who bought my stuff, donating most of it to Deseret Industries on Black Friday. After telling him and 4 DI Employees my story, he told me to E-mail him with the stuff I wanted back the most and he'd get it to me. (I really wanted my stuffed animal collection but they were already gone by the time I got to DI) After he was unloaded and gone, the Employees offered to let me go through the things he donated, and get my things out of the store that I wanted. This is where the seeing positive comes in. Rather than being greedy and running into the store, I was humbled, and told them to let somebody else who needs them more than me have them. I rummaged through the items there, took 2 truckloads home to sort through and will donate what I don't NEED.
   Through the end of November, and the whole month of December, I tried to do the Positive Thinking, and relied on my savior for guidance and strength to make it through this trial. It worked for the most part, but then "Big Ann" my Great Aunt, passed away, then Marre' my other Aunt passed away. It was frustrating and harder to find the positive in things. I kept reminding myself about finding the positive in things, and as I was listening to Aunt Ann's life sketch, I realized 2 things. The first is that BOTH Aunts who passed away were POSITIVE women. I can't remember many times where they weren't happy, and the 2nd thing was that like me, Ann never had any children. Though she didn't have any kids, she focused on other children, be it through the schools she worked at, nieces, nephews or just the neighborhood kids. It made me realize that though I have no children of my own, I can still satisfy that need to be a parent so to speak, through other people's children. I can set an example, teach them, love them, and be there for them, just as if they were my own. I truly am blessed to be able to know the children that I do.
   The more I think POSITIVE, the easier it becomes. Sure, there are days where all I want to do is mope and feel sorry for myself, but like all changes that people want to make, there will be setbacks, and it's up to you to continue in those changes or succumb to those setbacks. Time will tell just how successful I am with these upcomming changes I'm making. Not only am I trying to be more positive on things, but I'd also like to draw closer to my savior than what I have been. I know where I stand in my beliefs, but like so many of us do, I am not PRACTICING them as much as I should. I look into the eyes of my nephews each day and realize that they're here to learn, love and WE are the ones to teach them.