What Happened???

Over the last few days, I've been left to do a lot of thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving has always been hard on me since Grandpa passed so suddenly, but now, it seems like they're trying to eliminate it all together. For as long as I could remember, the local radio station would play round the clock Christmas Music the day AFTER Thanksgiving. This year, it seems like they started playing it right after Halloween.
Now don't get me wrong, Christmas is my favorite holiday for personal reasons, and most of the songs, I do like. Thinking a lot of the Christmas music playing, and Thanksgiving makes me wonder what people think Thanksgiving really is all about. I remember as a little girl, around the time of Thanksgiving, sitting in school learning about the pilgrims and the meaning of Thanksgiving. It's not all about the feast, sharing, but being Thankful for what you've got. The day after Thanksgiving in 2005, we lost my Grandfather. He was ill, but we all thought it was just a cold, and his sudden death was hard on a lot of us, me in particular. About 4 months prior, I'd had an issue with my grandmother about my Aunt, and because of that, I stopped going around to see her and Grandpa. At the time, I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong, then when I heard Grandpa passed, well, it was like my whole world was crashing down on me. Only when he was gone did I realize I was punishing Grandpa for something that he wasn't even a part of. I didn't get to say goodbye, nobody really did, and I felt more guilt than I knew I could feel. For months after his death, I dwelled on that guilt, praying that he understood why I never went to see him, that he knew I loved him more than anything. Our house had carpet ONLY in the bedrooms and for weeks after Grandpa's passing, we'd hear somebody walking through the house in Cowboy boots, and the back door open and shut. Nobody was there, and for a while Dave thought I was crazy, that is, until he heard it as well. One night, I was woken up because of a dream. Grandpa came and talked to me, I don't know what about, or even remember anything other than being wrapped in his loving embrace. When I woke up, I could smell him, literally smell him and feel his arms around me. I sat there, enjoying the loving arms around me like I had so many years before he passed, until they vanished. I don't know if my crying woke him, or he sensed that I was awake, for he'd been on "Wife Watch" since Grandpa died, but Dave rolled over and saw that I was awake and went into panic mode.
He asked me if I was okay, and through my tears, I told him I was better than ok, I was happy that I had finally found some peace and closure. After I stopped the tears, I explained to Dave what happened, that our "visitor" was Grandpa, that I didn't know what he said to me, but know that he loves me and understands why I walked away from the situation. We didn't hear the footsteps after that night, and though my guilt hadn't totally gone away, I felt more at peace.
Everyone says they're thankful for this, and that, but you know, the one thing I will ALWAYS be thankful for is my Savior, the sacrifice he made for us so we could live with him again. I haven't been the strongest of persons, and people out there wonder at times where I stand in my faith. Since I started teaching the 10 and 11yr olds at Church, I realized that I do have a Testimony, a very strong one that I don't share with anyone. I can relate to the kid's attitudes, understand why they are opposed to going to church and even listening. I think that's why I was called to teach them, and through the last few months, I've noticed that I've made progress. I have also realized that I made the wrong choices that I did to help me get through to the kids, to be an example and strengthen my testimony. I love my savior very much, and am Thankful to be living in a country where we're able to worship who we want.

Good Day

Alright, the whole reason I started this blog was to vent, release emotions, thoughts, feelings, and whatever was keeping me down, to try to overcome my depression. I have been free of my anti-depressants since April, have had good days, and bad, sometimes with the bad outweighing the good. I can honestly say that today is not one of those days. I try to put pictures in each of my entries, pictures that go along with the post, or how I'm feeling that day. As you can see, today's picture is of the sun, shining as bright as it can through the clouds. That is how I feel today, I feel like I'm the rays of sunshine fighting through the thick clouds that are trying to keep me hidden. Yes, I could be a bit crazy, but that's why you guys all love me, and that's who I am, crazy ol Jess with the world's biggest heart (just try to fight that one).
Anyway, let me explain why I'm having such a good day. I had Kaitlynn and Madison stay the night last night, with Mom's permission because their "Step-Dad" had to take a load to Portland, wanted Janelle to go and couldn't take anyone else under the age of 18. Worried that Madison would wake up too early or through the night, I didn't sleep much, but felt oddly rested when I got up at 7. Then came the long awaited photos of Mr. Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, my adorable nephew, followed by a brief chat with his mommy. (Thank you Chrystal, I miss our chats!!) I get to look at the pictures on a bigger screen when I get upstairs, weigh myself before I got into the Shower and found that I lost 2 1/2lbs (YES, I am happy at that!) and am just in an all around good mood.
I have spent a lot of time thinking since I've been off my anti-d's, and have come up with some "life changes" if you will. There are a lot of "downers" in my life. In-laws not having a thing to do with us (there are 2 that do, you know who you are.), relationships in my own family, living with my parents, and even the loss of Mason. The downers named here, well they can't be gotten rid of, or fixed without the help of the other parties, but I've managed to find my "ray of sunshine" in those dark clouds. Thanks for the idea/help Dan, but from now on, I'm looking for the positives and focusing on the Lord first. I know that's the first step to finding who I am, and my happiness, and with the little miniscule changes I've made over the last week or so, I'm feeling that happiness.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a little bit of sunshine today. Hopefully I will stay in this mood the rest of the day. I look forward to more of these, it's been a really long time. I hope you all have a happy day, and if you're feeling down, think of one thing that always makes you happy and hold onto that. It's true when the Savior said " I didn't say it'd be easy, I only said it'd be worth it!"

Halloween

The Saturday before Halloween, Marsh and Emily brought the kids over for breakfast. Luckily, Dave had that weekend off, so it was a family ordeal. Later that day, we all walked through COSTCO, and then had lunch at Pizza Pie Cafe. We talked, ate, and laughed, watched Tucker play with his food and just had a good time as a family. When we got back home, we got ready for the ward's annual Chili Cook Off and Trunk or Treating. Marsh and Emily took the kids home to get into their costumes and get ready, as they said they'd be coming with us. I will confess, I was STOKED to have them, and Heather and Troy come as well, it had been a while since we've attended a church function as a family. Marsh and Emily returned with the kids, and as you can see, Josie was a little Ladybug. She didn't mind the hood on her head, and just quietly enjoyed herself. Then we have Tucker, our little cowboy. They were going to have him go as Dash from the Incredibles, but couldn't find the costume that would fit him. He loved his guns and honestly, looked pretty cute as a cowboy. The hardest part I saw of trying to find costumes for ANY of the kids, was weather they had hats/masks with them because they absolutely HATE having things worn on their head or face. I personally think that our little cowboy here, had a lot of fun, and from what Marsh said, by the time he got to the end of the Trunk or Treating, he was yelling TRICK OR TREAT. Though it was quite cold, everyone got a kick out of all the kids, and even Merlyn. Yes, that's right, I took Merlyn to the church's TRUNK OR TREAT. He sat in the truck during the Chili dinner, when it was time for Trunk or Treating, I pulled him out, costume and all. The reason I took Merlyn was on behalf of Mason. Halloween was Mason's favorite Holiday. He loved being near the kids, seeing them dressed up and even enjoyed dressing up himself. This year, it was rough on me because I haven't fully recovered from losing him, so I got his skeleton costume, put it on Merlyn and took Merlyn in Mason's Memory. Merlyn went over VERY well with not just the kids, but the adults as well, and though he was scared of his own shadow, he enjoyed it also I'm sure. Then we have Troy, of course we cannot forget Troy. For weeks before Halloween, Heather tried to figure out what to have him be, and I thought it'd be cute for him to be Frankenstein because he was just starting to walk, and walked like him. Heather didn't like that idea, but was having a problem because like Tucker, Troy didn't like wearing things on his face/head. So, after long thoughts, many ideas and searching, she settled on a little Vampire. I told her it was fitting since he LOVES to bite people, and we looked around for a costume that wasn't very cheesy. We finally found one that fit him at Wal-Mart, purchased it and dressed him up. He looked so stinking cute. He had a lot of fun going around Trunk or Treating with his cousins, got quite a bit of candy for his Mom, and had plenty of energy to spare when all was said and done, and they got home. This photo was taken at Grandma Gean's house. She let him play the piano and he absolutely LOVED it. I have a better picture of him on FB, that reminds me of Phantom of the Opera, where he's playing at the organ. All in all, it was a memorable Halloween weekend, the kids were adorable, Troy helped hand out Candy when our 3 Trick or Treaters came on Halloween night, and it was just full of happy memories and mixed emotions.