I moved to Houston back in February to try to collect what was left of my life. When I came here I was a shell of a human, not knowing what would become of me or how to get back to the woman I once was. I focused on Harper, Dan and Chrystal, and didn't really worry too much about what was going on with people back home. After Dave's visit here and not watching Harper, I had plenty of time on my hands. At first I'd just sit around and watch TV all day, then I'd sweep floors. Before I knew it, I was offering to help with dinner, sweeping floors and helping out wherever I could. I began working out to the Wii and then made a larger effort to drink more water than soda. Since I've been here, I've managed to lose almost 10lbs, am more active and am seeing the inches drop. Over the last few months, I noticed that I've had fewer downers and was much happier than I had been in years.
The only times I've noticed being unhappy is when I've been "attacked" for things I haven't done or have nothing to do with. Stress of bills creep in, being without a job, and the anxiety of heading home. I'm finding that I"m still as sensitive as ever about things, and am trying to get a handle on that as well. This post is a look into what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling and what goes on in my head. I hope this gives people a little better understanding as to how I tick, and gives people a little more compassion for me and why I tick the way I do.
Lets start with wearing my heart on my sleeve. For the longest time, I viewed this as a blessing, having that kind of love and compassion for others, I thought that it was something they teach in the scriptures, so I figured it had to be a blessing. Then one day, a very important person in my life told me that I needed to stop wearing it on my sleeve, and others have told me that I needed to stop caring about people so much, so I tried to hide it. I saw it as a curse and tried to smother that part of me that made me who I am. As each day progressed, I struggled with doing what I was told. I saw myself slip further and further away, until I was like a rat, lost in a maze. I tried to do the best I could, thinking I was doing the right thing, that my life would be happier. It wasn't until I moved here and stepped away from everything, that I realized that I was killing myself inside by doing what I "thought" was the right thing to do.
Since that realization, I've decided to do what I knew was right. I am putting that heart back out on my sleeve and having that compassion for others that I tried to kill. I realize that is the one thing that makes me happy, it's who I am and people will just have to deal with it. I am also not going to beat around the bush with anything. If I see something that I need to speak my mind on, so be it, and if the person on the receiving end doesn't like to hear what I have to say, it's their problem. I'm enjoying the happiness I've been feeling, the person I once was is starting to emerge and I am not going to hide her again. I'm making the best of myself any way I can, and am not going to worry about making others happy without making myself happy first.
This takes me to my second "thing" and that is how I view myself as a person. I am one who would give my shirt off my back if somebody needed it, or that's what I would like to think. I could be wrong but that's how I see myself, as a very giving and loving person. What people don't know is that I don't like myself. I don't like that I am fat, that my teeth are all rotten and nasty. Just today, my brother asked me to smile. I smiled without showing my teeth and it wasn't good enough for him. Only when I burst into tears explaining that I HATE my smile and have always hated it since my teeth started rotting enough to show, and I can't afford to fix them, that he dropped it. There was a time in my life that I liked my smile. A time where the tooth decay wasn't visible, or extensive. Now, when I smile, all I see is ugly, rotten teeth, one even missing, and I don't like it. I've gone as far as considered having all the teeth removed and put dentures in. I don't like my smile, that I'm fat, these are all new to me, and the hardest part is I can't really do anything about it.
I can't afford to keep up on the dental care, even with insurance, and regardless of how many times I tell people, I can't get them to understand that I brush on a regular basis. I take care of my teeth the way I should, but it's never enough. I was once asked why I didn't have a more positive email account. I told the person who asked me that it was because that's how I felt. I felt Misunderstood, that nobody really cared much to understand me or where I was coming from on anything. Nobody really understands how much I sacrifice for my loved ones. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really cares how I feel, especially about them. My next few posts will be a "tell all" basically, about each of the members of MY Family, and sadly, if any of them take offense, that's their problem as it's my views and opinion of things. Until then, this post is over.
