Ok, I'm letting everyone who reads this know that I'm stirring the poop so to speak. I'm pretty sure it's going to tick people off and result in many silent treatments and hurt feelings, but at this time, I really don't care. I've kept my feelings locked inside for so long that I just can't do it anymore. I actually sat there today and wondered, even wished I'd die just to see how many people actually cared about me as a person, and not for my "services".Some of you would ask why I think and wonder this, well, here's what I've seen and felt. The reason I have posted this particular picture is because of the smile on my face, and what it means. It means that I was absolutely happy, really happy, yes, you could say that was the happiest day of my life. I saw this picture, and looked at the ones taken in the past few years, and realized that I haven't been happy at all. Somewhere along the way, that smile faded into something dark and ugly, that gets hidden from time to time at a feeble attempt to be happy again. Do I like being unhappy, absolutely not, do I want to fix what's making me unhappy? Who wouldn't?
Anyway, I've been having struggles with many things that I've managed to hide deep inside. I know it's not healthy to keep it bottled in but I've learned RAPIDLY that if I speak my feelings/concerns, I get mocked, taunted, treated like I'm the scum of the Earth, or even get the silent treatment. Since I lost my house and had to move in with my parents, I've heard my youngest brother tell me "If it weren't for Mom and Dad, I wouldn't ever come over" and I can't count the number of times he gives me and my husband the silent treatment without me knowing what I've done to warrent it. There were a few times we'd invite him to do something with us, and get "We don't have any money" or "No, we've already got plans". He never asks us to do anything with them, it's always my parents or my sister, never me or Dave. The only thing that he has to say to me is when he asks me to watch his kids. He doesn't do it very often, but when he does, I say yes because I don't get to see them very often. One night, he sat on the couch in front of the whole family and asked what my husband and I were doing that night. I told him that we weren't doing anything, and was disappointed when he asked us to babysit. I thought he was gonna invite us to do something with him, but found out it was to be a sitter for his kids while he went out with our cousin.
I have had problems with my sister. Lately it seems like she doesn't want a thing to do with me unless it involves watching her son. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore these kids, why wouldn't I? It really feels like nobody takes my feelings into consideration and I'm really tired of it. I have no kids of my own, and basically watch kids 6, sometimes 7 days a week, without much of a break or a chance to do anything I want to. Majority of that is because I DON'T say NO and choose to watch them. This is ok with me, but just once I'd like to have a heartfelt, genuine THANK YOU for it. I have questioned many times if my siblings love me, or are just using me, and it hurts. I know they don't stop to think how I must be feeling, around other people's kids all the time, and none of my own. Yes, I wonder if they know that I cry myself to sleep many nights because I don't feel like they really love me, because I'm jealous that they have these kids that at times, seems like inconveniences to both of them. Do they know that because of the way I'm basically ignored, not just by them, that I don't feel like I'm part of the family, that I'm just some parasite living with my parents, slowly draining the life out of everyone?
I understand now why I was on anti depressants for so many years, and why I SHOULD be on them again. It's not because I don't have kids, it's because my family uses me so bad, and doesn't stop to think of how they make me feel. Today, my brother and his wife took my sister to look at a place, leaving the 3 kids with mom. Mom wanted to vaccume but the boys wanted to go potty so I was asked to take them. The youngest boy took his diaper off, and was standing there, the oldest one was dancing, and I was stuck trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. I put the youngest on the training potty, the oldest on the toilet, telling him to push his weenie down so I wouldn't get peed on (he has good aim). I then turned to the youngest to push his down so he wouldn't pee around the room. The oldest didn't listen to me, Mom didn't hear my cries for help, so I had to sit, covered in pee, trying to get one kid to get back here while the other took off as well. Two naked boys running around, their parents walk in the door, and after tearfully explaining what happened (it was the straw that broke the camels back) I get the comment of "You don't need to get worked up over that" or something to that context. It pissed me off. Just because I was crying doesnt' mean it was because I got peed on by my nephew, it's not the first time I've been peed on and it won't be the last I'm sure. Nobody stopped to think that I was emotional before that, why would they? Needless to say, I ended up ruining everyone's day, nobody will talk to me, and I'm beginning to think that if I were to up and leave the state for good, they'd all throw a party. I love my family so much, and put them before me more times than I should, just once, I would like to have it returned.
Like I said at the beginning, I'm stirring the poop. I haven't said all that I feel, probably best I didn't. I'm hurting, keep trying and just can't help feeling like a failure. I don't know where my place lies in this world anymore, and have so much hurt inside, maybe the way I feel is right, maybe nobody really does care. I don't know, makes you wonder what FAMILY is all about now days.