You Don't Count The Cost.

I had an interesting conversation with Dan the other day. It was more a question he asked me, with all the problems I had with them, is trying for a friendship with Janelle really worth it??? That question really weighed on my mind since then, mainly trying to figure out a way to put into words what I feel about it all. Today, while I was on a downer, I was listening to the music I've been adding to the computer. "You don't count the cost" by Billy Dean came on, and it hit right away. Hopefully, with the help of the song, it can give everyone a better understanding of why I put myself in that situation. The following is the 3rd verse of the song, and part of the chorus.

It happens all around us
Each and every day
Someone's giving all they got
For someone else's sake
If you ever doubt it
Just think about the cross
When it comes to love, you don't count the cost

You don't count the heartache
You don't count the sacrifice
All that counts is what you feel inside
It doesn't really matter what is gained or what is lost
When it comes to love, you don't count the cost

Yes, I've been treated like crap. Yes I have been wrongfully accused and disrespected, but that does not matter , not if you're trying to practice having that Christ-Like love for others. I am striving to be a better person, to forgive those who have hurt me and/or my loved ones, and to forgive myself. Maybe I am too attached to the kids I watch, especially Kaitlynn, but it can't be helped if you watch them 90% of their life. I'm trying to have a friendship with Janelle that does not center around Kaitlynn because she's a good person. Some would THINK I feel sorry for her, maybe part of me does. All the problems I have are with Lee, he triggers it all, and yes, I feel at times that she should correct him when he's wrongfully going psycho on those who are just trying to be his friend, but I can't condemn her for standing by her husband. Don't they teach us to cleave unto your spouse???
I don't have to have contact with Lee to be friends with Janelle. He can hate and distrust me all he wants, that's something he has to explain to his maker. I won't be held accountable, I'm trying to be the better person, and I can't be mean or disrespect him because he's Janelle's husband and Kaitlynn's father. Let him say what he wants, I know the truth, and all I can do is pray for him. I'm leaving it all in the Lord's hands, right now, we're communicating through texts and instant messaging. It's all baby steps, and what happens will happen. If we both want a friendship, it will work. Like the song says, "when it comes to Love, you don't count the cost."

A Very Special Mother's Day Wish

I was diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. For those of you who don't know much about it, basically I have cysts on my ovaries, my body produces more testosterone than normal, and I'm at risk for type 2 diabetes. It also makes it harder to be able to conceive. Since I was diagnosed with this condition, Dave and I have been very unsuccessful at having a child. We've tried and tried, practiced and practice, and had no luck. Over the past 2 yrs, I've had 2 miscarriages, the recent one being back in June.
Very few people know that I'd have a child the same age or a little older, than Tucker. Whenever I hold him, and he smiles up at me, I can't help but think it's my children's way of saying "Hi Mom" through their cousin Tucker. Mother's Day was not an easy day for me to trudge through. I fought the sadness that kept creeping in, knowing that Heather and Emily are mothers. (Heather is a stepmom to 4 kids.) As I was taking care of things on Facebook, trying to keep myself busy and distracted from my thoughts, I got a text message. Thinking it was a thank you from somebody I wished a Happy Mother's Day to, I took a look, and realized it was from Dave, who was working.
As I read the text, my tears started falling. Yes, they were tears of sadness, but also tears of pure love for my husband. I never really realized how deeply he loved me until that text message. This is what it said. " Just because our child is not with us right now, does not mean you do not get a Happy Mother's Day today. I love you!" I take him for granted a lot, and with the issues Lee and Janelle have with me, the way I've felt about myself for the last few weeks, I realized after that one text, that I've been pretty selfish. I've taken Dave for granted and didn't really pay any attention to his needs or feelings. I've been preoccupied, wallering in my self pity.
I am really blessed to have Dave in my life, and I would not trade him for anyone else. He has put up with a lot with me, and I don't know how he does it. I think the world of him, and with that one little sentence, it opened my eyes up to his heart. I LOVE YOU DAVE!

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Recently my integrity was in question, along with how I run my babysitting. The issues that caused all of this really cut me to the core, and although I just wanted to seclude myself and wallow in my pain, I had to continue working. Layla and Colby have been around me since all this started, and I've been such a wreck that I had to ask Dave for a well needed blessing. I LOVE the power of the priesthood.

Yesterday, Colby went out of his way to pay attention to me and be a friend. While he was sitting in my lap, I told this very intelligent 4yr old that the reason I was so upset and kept crying is because I've been told I was a bad babysitter. Yes, I may be taking that too hard, but it's something I love to do, watch kids since I don't have any of my own yet. When somebody attacks me that way, I take it hard, and it hurts DEEP!

When I told Colby about being a bad babysitter, he looked up at me seriously, and said something that I will never forget, and made me smile. He said "Jess, when I come over again, I'll teach you how to be a good babysitter." I told him thank you, and smiled. He and Layla have been a big help through this hard time, as well as my friends and family. The one thing I love the most about watching children are the things they say. You can not only teach a child a lot, but you can learn a lot from them as well. I know why they say be like children, not only are they innocent, but they see the world in a simple way, not complicated, and that's how it should be.

Entertainment

Today Mom wanted to take Karma to the park and work with her on her training. I told her that I wanted to work with Mason a little because he's slacking on his obedience. We not only took Mason and Karma, but Merlyn followed without a leash. He did great staying with us, and listened to me when I called him over. He really seemed to enjoy his jaunt to and from the park, and was a big help at being a distraction to the other dogs.

When we got to the park, I let Mason off of his leash and began playing fetch with him and Merlyn, while Mom worked with Karma. Just as they got to the grass, Karma took off after Mason and Merlyn, and knocked Mom to the ground. Though I shouldn't have, I laughed because it looked really funny. I profusely appologized to her, then helped her up.



I sat around and played with Mason and Merlyn while watching how Mom worked with Karma. Before she began her walk through the park, I suggest she try out Mason's PRONG collar on Karma because her choke chain was too big and wasn't doing the trick. Mom immediately saw an improvement and had less of a hard time with Karma. When I watched for a while, I approached Mom and Karma and gave them a few tips. We went home after about 30 minutes, but had a good session. Tomorrow we will work with her again, and I will find an extra link to my extra prong collar for Karma. I'm off to be with my hubby now. NIGHT!!

The New Kids

Ok, so I'm not watching Kaitlynn full time anymore, but luck would have it, this woman who works at COSTCO needed a sitter for her 2 girls, and saw how good I was with Kaitlynn and asked if I was up for the job. We agreed on a price and I started watching them just this week. This little munchkin is Meado (pronounced Meadow) and believe it or not, she's 3yrs old. This is just the adjustment period, and she's so inquisitive to the point it's almost annoying. We're working on establishing who's BOSS between her and I, and predict that she'll be no problem once she adjusts. She has really taken to Dave, and looks forward to seeing him every day. The only downfall of the situation is that she's always looking forward to playing with Kaitlynn and Kaitlynn isn't with us anymore. Instead, she spends a few hours with me without any other kids, then we get her sister from Kindergarten at 1pm. That leads us to Chloe.
Chloe is 6yrs old and a really sweet kid. She's not doing bad at adjusting to me and establishing the understanding that I'm in charge, and helps out a lot with Meado. I can tell these kids are going to be as much fun as Kaitlynn, but more of a handful. We'll see for sure how good they'll be. It's interesting, their Dad use to work for Dave Fredrickson, and his cousin is married to my cousin.
Speaking of the kids, I've gotta get going to find something to keep them from being bored. They're having plenty of fun hiding under the computer desk, but unfortunately, it doesn't last forever.

Working Miracles

Ok, so y'all know that we've got more dogs than what we care to have. We've had to keep Dante and Tika separate because Tika and Karma don't get along. Since she started obedience training, Karma has been more mellow around the other dogs, including Tika the few times they've crossed paths. Today, being unable to fight my curiosity any longer, I let Karma and Tika meet in the livingroom without any other dogs around.
Normally when you introduce dogs, they're in a controlled environment with both being on leashes, the most control this had was they had humans in the room with Shake cans. Everything went fine, they tried to play with each other, then I got even more brave, and let them in the back yard with Dante and Gus. One by one, I let the other dogs out with them until I got down to Nellie. Nellie didn't want to go outside, so I didn't make her. Tika and Karma played HARD with each other for a good hour or so, and even longer once I brought all the other dogs in. Here's what I captured while they were playing.

One Time Deal

This year, Dave and I had discussed things to do with our tax returns. Last month Emily invited me to a Jewelry party, and I attended it with her. While at the party, we were asked if we wanted to host a party ourselves, to help the hostess get more "rewards". I thought, what can it hurt, so I signed up for a party. I was surprised with how many people showed up for the party, and when all was said and done, the only one who bought anything was me. Mom and Heather wanted some jewelry, and Mom didn't have enough for what she wanted, so after discussing things with Dave, we paid for hers, mine and got Heather some at a discounted price.
Shamefully, with the jewelry we bought, it all totaled, after discounts and so called "Freebies" our total was $300. We found that we were heavily taxed on the "free" and discounted items. After the order was finalized and all was said and done, I sat down and figured out item by item how much we would have spent without any discounts and freebies, and we actually saved $500. We didn't spend our federal tax return on what we really wanted to, but we've decided that we're not buying ANY kind of jewelry for a long time.