Time For A FRESH START

A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

Since I've had a considerable amount of free time on my hands, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Our lives are a lot like the Phoenix, whenever we hit a dead end, or feel what we're doing is ending, we can rise out of the ashes and start a new chapter in life. I am looking at things like that right now. My situation with babysitting Kaitlynn and Madison, as much as it kills me to not watch them anymore, is ending, and because of everything that I went through and put up with for the last 5yrs, it's time to let it die, and move on. I devoted all my time, love and heart into watching them, and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I am as a person, and became a drone or doormat. Maybe I was fooling myself to believe I was doing a favor for a friend, maybe it was real, but I know now that I do not know who I am, and I don't have that confidence that I had so many years ago.

For all of you out there, I'm sure you all know that kids are my passion. I do not have any of my own and desire being a parent, but right now it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Rather than dwell on it, I share my love for children, by watching them whenever the opportunity arises. I have been watching kids off and on since I was 11yrs old, that's 23yrs of babysitting, and not once have I had any complaints from a parent. The complaints I have gotten could have been solved if the parents would've just came and talked to me, but they let things be, and left me to believe that I was doing nothing wrong. I think that's why I take things so hard when it comes down to it. I think I'm doing a excellent job for the parents, then they slap me in the face with issues they've had the entire time but wouldn't bring to my attention.

So what does this mean about my opening a new chapter in my life? Well, I'm moving to Houston to watch my nephew until he can get into a Day Care. Am I scared, yes, I'm scared as hell to move to a place I've never been, only knowing a handful of people, and being away from my husband for so long. I am afraid of the unknown. I look forward to the time away, to be able to re-evaluate myself as a person, and work on bettering myself. I need to grow, and being here, doing what I've been doing and putting up with what I've put up with, is smothering me, holding me back and it's time to stop all that.

A New Beginning

In lieu of the kind of week I've had, and going through 3 blessings (2 from Dave and 1 from my father) I decided that it was no better time to go to the temple, than today. I was looking for peace, comfort, and a chance to "wash away" the feelings of despair and pain. I got up this morning and took Heather and Troy to breakfast. I was starving, but just couldn't eat, because whenever I tried, my stomach wanted to toss it back out. In my feeble attempt to eat, I ordered 2 strips of bacon. I almost threw up the first bite, but I forced it all down, knowing I need the food.
When I got back, I had to wait for Dave to take a shower, so I went over to talk to Rob at Jamba Juice about a job. He said to talk to him next week, so then I went to the girls at Ezmoney. They didn't know if they'd be hiring yet, but after I told them what was going on, they asked if I would watch their kids and how much I would charge. I have mixed emotions about that because of what I'm currently going through, but all I can do is pray about it. When I got back, I got my Father's Blessing from Dad, finished the bookmarks for the kids at church, and then got ready to go to the temple. After watching the neighbor's mailbox get plowed over by a car, and dropping the bookmarks off at Wilcox, Dave and I were finally on the road. We realized this was the first time we'd gone to the temple without my parents, and I was terrified. I was so afraid I'd mess things up, or wouldn't feel good about being there.
When we walked into the temple doors, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that that's where we needed to be. We went through a session, and got a "taste" of the peace I'm looking for. I was lost as we ended the session, and after changing my clothes and heading out, one of the gentlemen who was helping in the session talked to Dave and I. He was thrilled we were there, and told me something that I will never forget, and put me into tears. He told us that there was a sweet spirit about us. It made me feel really good because off and on through the session I wondered if I was doing the right thing by being there feeling the way I did. The workers walked with us to the truck, and we left. I came back feeling better than before, but wish the pain would go away quicker. I was exhausted and hungry when we got back, but didn't feel like eating. I managed to choke down an orange, and 4 powdered doughnuts, and cuddled with Emily on the couch under Dave's blanket. (Yeah, that's how we roll in this family.) I found my anti-depressants, there are 3 of them left, and I've been really tempted to take them. Instead, I took 2 ADVIL PM's to help me sleep.
Now that the ADVIL PM has finally kicked in, I am going to bed, as for my weight, well, I'm sad to report that I went from 170.5 up to 173.5. I guess I can spend some free time in the Gym to drop those lbs. Hope you all have a good weekend, I can't wait to go to the temple again, hopefully next weekend.

Happy 2012, I'm Going To Make It A GOOD One!

This year, as usual, I was thinking about people and making resolutions, and though I never really make any, I think this year, I've got a few in mind, and think it will be fun to test myself, to know if I can actually carry them through the whole year. I think it'll be fun to share these "resolutions" or goals with you guys, and you can watch my progress/failure. I know that this blog was posted a few days late, but what can you do when you're busy, right?

Resolution/Goals for 2012
1: Have at least ONE smile and positive thought a day.
*I've noticed too much negativity, not just in my life alone, but life in general, and I want to try to make the best of it.
2: Attend the Temple at least once a month.
*Dave and I didn't work hard to get our recommends back for nothing, and we want to grow more spiritually. We've missed going to the temple and know that's gonna help us as we grow as a couple.
3: Become a better person.
* I don't want to be a better person outside only, but inside as well. I've already taken those steps by working on how I view and take things, also how I handle them.
4: Lose weight and get more fit.
*I used to weigh 125lbs in High School, though I was thin, I wasn't in shape, and I want to change that. Back in November, I weighed in at 180lbs. At that time, Dave and I made a deal, for each 10lbs I lose, I get a new outfit. Today, I weighed in at 170.5lbs. I may have lost 9.5 lbs in 2 mo, but haven't done any exercising other than chasing Troy around the house and running up the stairs, my goal, is to lose another 10lbs at least by the time Vacation starts in March.

I know that these are not all my goals/resolutions, but they're a reasonable start, and I'm that kind of person who gives up if too much is piled on me. I will be posting a blog entry every Sunday afternoon, on updates as to how my progress is going. That will also take care of goal/resolution #5- update my blogs once a week. I hope you guys enjoy, post comments if you want, and we'll see what kind of progress I can make!