Santa Monica

  So Dave won this trip to Hollywood a few months back. We flew out of the Pocatello Airport at 7am on February 6th and arrived at the Loews Santa Monica Hotel by noon. We were originally booked for a room on the 8th floor but it didn't have an ocean view, and because I cracked a joke about not being able to see the ocean when I woke up, the front desk put us on the 2nd floor, facing the ocean. We got things put away and then took off to the Santa Monica Pier to explore. We walked the beach, looked around the pier and then walked to the 3rd St. Promenade/mall for lunch. I discovered the Disney Store where I started up my Stuffed Animal collection and got a little "taste" of Totem that Cirque De Solei put on. We were interested in seeing it but didn't want to spend $100 per person to get in, so we passed. When we got back to the Hotel, we ran into a problem. Dave opened the bar to get the water out that we got from our driver, but it wasn't there. When he talked to the Front Desk about it, they said that he'd checked out and they took care of the items in there that were ours.
   After about an hour, we got it straightened out, though we STILL don't know why we got checked out the same day we were checked in. They moved us from the 2nd floor back to the room we were originally booked, and then given 2 complimentary bottles of water to replace the ones we had brought with us. After resting for a while, and letting a friend know we made it safe, we went to the Pier once again to calm myself down. We made it over to the Aquarium, and though it was tiny, enjoyed ourselves. After the Aquarium, it was time for a cocktail party at the Hotel, so we headed back over there. We mingled briefly while our friend drove up to meet us from Westminster. Though we didn't get to talk much to anyone, we thanked the Starz Reps for inviting us, explained that we had to take off to see a friend we hadn't seen in almost 10yrs. It ended up that we had to walk about 4 blocks in the rain to meet up with Mike and his family but it was well worth it. We had a nice dinner and conversation at the mall with them, and then walked in the rain back to the hotel.
  We walked the pier, yet again, until we were too cold and tired to do much of anything else, and headed back to our room. As soon as I lied down, I passed out cold and slept like a rock until the alarm went of at 6am. We got up, got ready for the day and then headed downstairs to catch our Limo to Sony Pictures Studios for our tour. It was a nice tour, we learned a few things, I got some good laughs at a woman in our group every time she realized that EVERYTHING in movies are fake.  They took us past Adam Sandler's office, Happy Madison, and YES, he was there, just didn't come out to say hi. They took us to the set of The Goldburgs, and Rake, then off to the set of Jeopardy. After our tour, they took us to Wolfgang Puck's restaurants located on the lot, in the commissary. Apparently while we were there, Seth Rogan decided to eat there too, but we didn't see him. Can I just say, that the chicken sandwich I had was the best one I've had, EVER! After we finished our stuff up at the Sony Studios, we were driven back to the Hotel and went our separate ways. Dave and I  got a bike ride to Venice Beach, wasn't impressed with it and walked back to the pier. Once again, went walking around the Pier, along the beach, and then back to our room to relax. The following morning, we took a long walk after we had breakfast. Dave wanted to eat at El Polo Loco and we walked to it just to see how far we had to go for lunch/dinner. After we got back from the LONG walk, we waited in our room until it was time to check in to our flight, and then walked the Pier shopping for souveniers. We then flagged down a free ride to the Disney Store at the mall, and then El Polo Loco. While at the mall, we saw Ken Jeong but didn't talk to or get a picture of him. Dave didn't agree that it was him, but I knew it was.  I can honestly say that I'd eat at El Polo Loco again.
  Leaving Santa Monica was not what I wanted to do. I was able to be myself, extremely happy and wasn't saddled with kids that weren't mine. When we boarded the plane for SLC, I joked with Dave about 3 men in front of us telling him that they were Boyz II Men, when in fact, they were Jagged Edge. Our flight home wasn't bad, and it was nice to be home,  but I've noticed that taking on everyone's kids and not being able to do things that I want and NEED to do, is a life sucker, and I'm instantly reminded of how miserable I really am. At times, YES, I do feel like a slave, that I have no say in my life and I'm only put here to do what others want me to do. If I try to stand up for myself, I get the kids used against me, and it really sucks. I just pray that Dave wins this other trip to Miami, and I can get a little bit more of the real "Jess" back.

Who Are YOU?

   It was a really long day in Church today. Bentley stayed in the Library with me due to a runny nose, and when it came time to go to Sacrament, I'd inhaled enough SERENITY that I was ready to fall asleep.  Surprisingly enough, I managed to stay awake, but got the boys to sleep. As I listened to the talks (one of the FEW times I get a chance to) I began to think about me, and what is and is NOT important to my salvation. I mentioned in my previous post that 2 women said somethings to me that has been eating at me since. I THOUGHT these women were my friends, but after what was said to me, I really don't think that's the case, and that is a tough pill to swallow.
   The first woman said this to me at a time in my life when I REALLY needed a friend, somebody to give me that extra boost I needed to remind me why I do what I do. I didn't get that from her, instead, I got torn to shreds emotionally and was left feeling worthless, hated, and like I should make the whole world happier if I just died or vanished. She told me that she likes me as a person, but that the person she sees in front of me is a broken, shamble of the "me" she likes, and basically, until I turned myself around, she didn't want to be around that.  I know that she meant well, but it hurt, to the core and it left me with a whole mess of questions I don't think I can find answers to. My whole life I've struggled with friends, I'd make them, think all was well with them and then all of a sudden, they'd either beat me up or tell me that they don't like me and that they were just using me. This has always been an insecurity of mine and I've always wondered what it is about me that nobody likes.
   I stewed over this for a week before I decided I was going to try to be more positive about life, regardless of things that are going on. At the time she "attacked" me, I was worn out, stressed and just needed a friend. All that was needed was a simple "I see you're down, is there anything I can do to help lighten your load?" instead, I got "Hey, let me kick you when you're down." Anyway, I decided that I would be more positive about this, even though it hurts, I am being the bigger person. I took what she told me as an I just don't like you thing, but I'm still going to friend her, and practice what the savior teaches, love thy neighbor. The other woman who said something to me that also bothered me, said that I should move to a different ward, where people don't know much about me, maybe then I'll make friends. I threw this back in her face by telling her that the people who know EVERYTHING about me, have known me since I was 9yrs old, accept me and are basically the only ones who acknowledge me at church. I proceeded to tell her that the people who are new to the ward, or don't WANT to take time to get to know me and just scratch the surface, are the ones who have problems. It really upset me and made me feel like I was stabbed in the back. I THOUGHT I was doing a good job on myself, but apparently, only the negative shows.
   For the longest time, I wondered why me? What is it about me that makes it hard for people to love and accept me? I can't think of what I'm doing wrong, and for YEARS I would try to be the person that OTHERS think I should be, and lost sight of myself. After a LOT of thinking about what these two "friends" said to me, I began to question what a friend really is, and WHO I really am. I know that I've lost myself and that right now, I'm a broken, scared woman who yearns for a friend, somebody that will take the time to really look at me and see that I"m struggling. A friend, in my book is one who sees all your flaws and loves you just the same.Anyway, listening to these talks today, I got to thinking that I need to stop worrying about a friend, stop conforming to what people WANT me to be, and to just find myself again. I KNOW that I am a kind, loving, compassionate, and giving woman. I ENJOY putting other's needs before mine, helping others, isn't that what we're commanded to do? My goal is to focus on healing myself, and relying on my savior for strength and help. He is and always has been my friend, and always there for me when I need somebody the most. We will see what changes come of this, if I can stop worrying if I have a friend or not, and even though I feel like a black sheep in the ward, I'm going to continue to go and those who don't like me, well, they can be uncomfortable or just avoid me, I'm not there for them, I'm there to do what I'm supposed to do. To those of you who read this, and really do care about me, THANK YOU. It's been the hardest thing to deal with in my life, is my self esteem and what kind of a person I am.

A New Day

   I have done a lot of thinking toward the end of 2013 with the loss of all our belongings and 3 Aunts. I've thought back to things people have said about me, to me, new friends I've made, and changes I've seen in others as well as in myself. I have realized that I have no clue who I am, that I try to conform to what others want me to be and that isn't the right thing to do. I KNOW I need to learn to be more positive, that the "Debbie Downer" needs to be gone. With that, I'm starting a new chapter in my life, a "Fresh Start" if you will. I'm no longer going to let things get me down, instead, I'm going to focus on the POSITIVE in things each day, and make note of them. When we found out all our things were sold without our notification, I was crushed. I got on my knees and asked for the strength to cope and handle the problem I was facing. The 2 items I wanted the absolute MOST were my wedding bouquet that my husband designed himself, and a wooden Tiki that my Grandmother brought back from her mission in Samoa so many years ago. I was terrified I wouldn't get them back, sure, I wanted to see everything returned to me safe and sound but realistically, I KNEW that wasn't going to happen. Luck would have it that I found the person who bought my stuff, donating most of it to Deseret Industries on Black Friday. After telling him and 4 DI Employees my story, he told me to E-mail him with the stuff I wanted back the most and he'd get it to me. (I really wanted my stuffed animal collection but they were already gone by the time I got to DI) After he was unloaded and gone, the Employees offered to let me go through the things he donated, and get my things out of the store that I wanted. This is where the seeing positive comes in. Rather than being greedy and running into the store, I was humbled, and told them to let somebody else who needs them more than me have them. I rummaged through the items there, took 2 truckloads home to sort through and will donate what I don't NEED.
   Through the end of November, and the whole month of December, I tried to do the Positive Thinking, and relied on my savior for guidance and strength to make it through this trial. It worked for the most part, but then "Big Ann" my Great Aunt, passed away, then Marre' my other Aunt passed away. It was frustrating and harder to find the positive in things. I kept reminding myself about finding the positive in things, and as I was listening to Aunt Ann's life sketch, I realized 2 things. The first is that BOTH Aunts who passed away were POSITIVE women. I can't remember many times where they weren't happy, and the 2nd thing was that like me, Ann never had any children. Though she didn't have any kids, she focused on other children, be it through the schools she worked at, nieces, nephews or just the neighborhood kids. It made me realize that though I have no children of my own, I can still satisfy that need to be a parent so to speak, through other people's children. I can set an example, teach them, love them, and be there for them, just as if they were my own. I truly am blessed to be able to know the children that I do.
   The more I think POSITIVE, the easier it becomes. Sure, there are days where all I want to do is mope and feel sorry for myself, but like all changes that people want to make, there will be setbacks, and it's up to you to continue in those changes or succumb to those setbacks. Time will tell just how successful I am with these upcomming changes I'm making. Not only am I trying to be more positive on things, but I'd also like to draw closer to my savior than what I have been. I know where I stand in my beliefs, but like so many of us do, I am not PRACTICING them as much as I should. I look into the eyes of my nephews each day and realize that they're here to learn, love and WE are the ones to teach them.

TEMPLE SQUARE

So.....on December 7th, the Young Women's president, her husband and I took one of the Laurels and my Beehives to Temple Square to see the lights. We had a little rocky start with the baby fussing, but after she settled down, things were excellent. When we got there, Whitney had to feed the baby, so I took the girls and went ahead. We got to see Nativities representing all the nations/cultures, the girls and Whitney lied down and looked up at the Church Office Buildings, and we even ran into Buddy the Elf and Santa Claus.

When it was the Beehive's turn to see them, as they were approaching Buddy and Santa, Buddy turned to one of the girls and said "Come stand by me Jessica". Jessica freaked out and took off down the street not realizing that he knew her name because it was sewn on her Jacket. We had a really good laugh at that, AFTER she came back and stood by him.  On our way back to the car, she walked as close to the street and as far away from him as she could, calling him a creeper.

 We found a grocery store on the way back to the car, where I saw the "New" Coke Fountain drink dispensers, and got a PEACH Fanta! The girls thought it was awesome (the machine) and the Fanta was the best I've ever had. We had a lot of fun, and though the drive down and back took longer than we did at Temple Square, we made memories that will never go away. It was an awesome night even though there were others that we missed because they couldn't make it.

Looking Up

 This year my goal has been to better myself, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. Early on, my goal was to attend the temple at least once a month, and we made it in January, but since then, it's been hit and miss. I was fortunate to make it to the Houston Temple twice while I was living with Dan and Chrystal, experiencing an endowments with Chrystal, then did a session on my own while they were out of town. Since I've been back, the closest I've gotten to going to the temple has been walking through Temple Square with Dave.
  I've been in Young Womens for a few months now, and though I'm not totally sure what I'm doing there, I'm enjoying it, and seeing myself grow each day and watching the girls turn into wonderful young women. I'm trying to focus on what I need to, and am finding myself turning more to the savior when I'm down then I do anything else. I"m finding a less tolerance for things I didn't think twice about before, and am beginning to embrace the gospel again.
  Being in Young Womens has helped me overcome a few things, and also to accomplish things as well. I don't remember ever finishing my Personal Progress, so with my girls, I've decided to work on it with them, and complete it as well. I have not made it back to the temple yet, my last visit there was in early May, but I've made it to church almost every week, and attend majority of my meetings. I'm not going just for me anymore, but as an example that it's where we should be. That though we'd rather stay at home and sleep in or hang out with friends, it's better to be at church, showing our savior how much we love him.

What Do You Ask Of ME?

I moved to Houston back in February to try to collect what was left of my life. When I came here I was a shell of a human, not knowing what would become of me or how to get back to the woman I once was. I focused on Harper, Dan and Chrystal, and didn't really worry too much about what was going on with people back home. After Dave's visit here and not watching Harper, I had plenty of time on my hands. At first I'd just sit around and watch TV all day, then I'd sweep floors. Before I knew it, I was offering to help with dinner, sweeping floors and helping out wherever I could. I began working out to the Wii and then made a larger effort to drink more water than soda. Since I've been here, I've managed to lose almost 10lbs, am more active and am seeing the inches drop. Over the last few months, I noticed that I've had fewer downers and was much happier than I had been in years. The only times I've noticed being unhappy is when I've been "attacked" for things I haven't done or have nothing to do with. Stress of bills creep in, being without a job, and the anxiety of heading home. I'm finding that I"m still as sensitive as ever about things, and am trying to get a handle on that as well. This post is a look into what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling and what goes on in my head. I hope this gives people a little better understanding as to how I tick, and gives people a little more compassion for me and why I tick the way I do. Lets start with wearing my heart on my sleeve. For the longest time, I viewed this as a blessing, having that kind of love and compassion for others, I thought that it was something they teach in the scriptures, so I figured it had to be a blessing. Then one day, a very important person in my life told me that I needed to stop wearing it on my sleeve, and others have told me that I needed to stop caring about people so much, so I tried to hide it. I saw it as a curse and tried to smother that part of me that made me who I am. As each day progressed, I struggled with doing what I was told. I saw myself slip further and further away, until I was like a rat, lost in a maze. I tried to do the best I could, thinking I was doing the right thing, that my life would be happier. It wasn't until I moved here and stepped away from everything, that I realized that I was killing myself inside by doing what I "thought" was the right thing to do. Since that realization, I've decided to do what I knew was right. I am putting that heart back out on my sleeve and having that compassion for others that I tried to kill. I realize that is the one thing that makes me happy, it's who I am and people will just have to deal with it. I am also not going to beat around the bush with anything. If I see something that I need to speak my mind on, so be it, and if the person on the receiving end doesn't like to hear what I have to say, it's their problem. I'm enjoying the happiness I've been feeling, the person I once was is starting to emerge and I am not going to hide her again. I'm making the best of myself any way I can, and am not going to worry about making others happy without making myself happy first. This takes me to my second "thing" and that is how I view myself as a person. I am one who would give my shirt off my back if somebody needed it, or that's what I would like to think. I could be wrong but that's how I see myself, as a very giving and loving person. What people don't know is that I don't like myself. I don't like that I am fat, that my teeth are all rotten and nasty. Just today, my brother asked me to smile. I smiled without showing my teeth and it wasn't good enough for him. Only when I burst into tears explaining that I HATE my smile and have always hated it since my teeth started rotting enough to show, and I can't afford to fix them, that he dropped it. There was a time in my life that I liked my smile. A time where the tooth decay wasn't visible, or extensive. Now, when I smile, all I see is ugly, rotten teeth, one even missing, and I don't like it. I've gone as far as considered having all the teeth removed and put dentures in. I don't like my smile, that I'm fat, these are all new to me, and the hardest part is I can't really do anything about it. I can't afford to keep up on the dental care, even with insurance, and regardless of how many times I tell people, I can't get them to understand that I brush on a regular basis. I take care of my teeth the way I should, but it's never enough. I was once asked why I didn't have a more positive email account. I told the person who asked me that it was because that's how I felt. I felt Misunderstood, that nobody really cared much to understand me or where I was coming from on anything. Nobody really understands how much I sacrifice for my loved ones. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really cares how I feel, especially about them. My next few posts will be a "tell all" basically, about each of the members of MY Family, and sadly, if any of them take offense, that's their problem as it's my views and opinion of things. Until then, this post is over.

Green2O

I was scrolling through Facebook one day out of boredom and ran across this photo. It was something that I THINK my cousin had posted on her FB, I don't remember but I read that if I gave my address, I would receive a free sample. I figured I didn't have anything to lose so I sent my address in a private message. About a week later, I received a package, opened it up and found a water bottle with 4 packets, 2 Lemon Flavored and 2 Mint flavored. I read them, and did as directed. It's a product that is all natural and supposed to do a lot of good things for you, especially give you the same energy as an energy drink without making you jittery. Since I've started drinking Green 2O, I've had much more energy, the pain in my hip has subsided and I just feel better as a whole. I told Dave about it, how it made me feel and the changes I'm noticing, and it made him want to try it so I sent his information in as well. He got his today, drank his first packet and is looking forward to his 2nd packet tomorrow. I am really liking this stuff!